Choosing Gratefulness

I sit to write today with a heavy heart, yet also with determination, and a desire to be real and transparent. The last year of my life has been the hardest. A little over a year ago my life began crumbling around me. Everything I believed I knew became untrue, and all that I thought I could trust in was destroyed slowly and systematically. It was like a ripple in a lake, starting in the center with waves rippling and spreading wider and wider, leaving such a wide path, covering so much space. See, it started with problems in my marriage. Small issues that have always been there piled up to make a volcano that erupted and spewed its ugly contents everywhere. I certainly hold my portion of blame as my own selfishness and carelessness added to the busyness of raising three small children and just living life itself, all of it undermining the foundation that we had built. I certainly wasn't unhappy, just indifferent maybe, yet the trouble came, none the less, with massive and far-reaching consequences...and for me, it came out of nowhere. Following the wake of the eruption came the downfall of my social support. As a military family, we rely heavily on our local friends and church family for support, yet as my world was falling apart, I was met with an awful truth about this world we live in. This truth is that when the chips are down, when you are a mess and you can't see over the mountain you face, there are VERY FEW people who will stand by you. The world has taught us to steer clear of other peoples' messes because they aren't our business, or because we have enough of our own trouble to deal with. So, when everything crumbled, I ran to my close friends and to my church BEGGING for help, for guidance, for ANYTHING. Unfortunately, the people I ran to were not able to stand with me. Unable, unwilling, or maybe unequipped, they had no answers and eventually chose, instead, to offer prayers and turn their backs on me and my family and left us to battle alone. To say that life was difficult is the understatement of the century, but let me tell you what I have learned. I learned that God is ENOUGH. God alone is my provider, protector, and lover of my soul. He never leaves. He cares about EVERY hurt and EVERY tear I have cried as I have fought for my marriage and my life. I realized I had made a massive mistake and placed my trust in my husband instead of my God. No matter how great of a man my husband is, he is human and vulnerable to the attacks of the devil, just like the rest of us. I also learned that God is ABLE. He makes beautiful things out of ashes. He can fill you with peace and joy in the midst of disaster. He has endless patience to share with you when yours is gone, and forgiveness to give to you when you don't think it's possible to forgive. He also LOVES. He loves, not in the way we know it here on Earth, but in a way that we sometimes don't understand. His love can feel overwhelming and sweet, but it can also feel painful as He lovingly strips away the sin and ugliness in our hearts. He has shown me that all of this trouble in my life, though it is painful and still not resolved, has meaning. It is not arbitrary. It is building my faith, teaching me to love well, showing me daily that if I will draw near to God, He will draw near to me and provide me with enough. Enough patience, love, forgiveness, strength - whatever it is I need in a day. He will give it to me because He loves me. All I have to do is continue to seek Him, study His word and apply myself to walking in obedience to His will and His word, and He will freely give me whatever I need. So, today, my heart may feel trampled, and I may be riddled with the bullet holes of hurt, betrayal, doubt, and loneliness. Yet, what I am is GRATEFUL. Grateful to have a Savior who loves me enough to spend time working on my heart. Thankful that, as my life fell apart, I had God to lean on, and His generosity, He also gave me a few friends who have chosen to stand with me, unwavering in their faith, offering prayers and encouragement on my darkest days. Mostly, I feel humbled. Because right in the middle of the darkest hour of my life, God chose to bless me in a way only He can do. As everything was being destroyed, God was creating a new life. He reached within my body and formed a tiny, perfect being, a beacon of hope and good things to come. I wish I could say that my first reaction was joy, but it wasn't. I have kept quiet for months out of fear. Fear that I will be left alone to raise four children. Fear that this sweet little girl will not know her father; will not know the big hearted, loving man who I know still exists somewhere in the craziness of all that has happened. As she has begun to grow over the last few months, my fear has turned into guilt for not being able to see this baby for what she is. A gift, right from the very hands of the same God that created the heavens and the Earth. So, it stops now. It stops today. I refuse to see this blessing as a burden any longer. God is the ONLY person who can create and give life and I will choose gratefulness. I will choose, no matter what, to let her little life be a reminder of hope in the midst of darkness. I will determine that EVERY time I feel fear or doubt, I will look into her eyes and I will see that I am LOVED by a mighty and powerful God, who, regardless of circumstance, has chosen to bless me. I will remember that, no matter what happens, I am HIS and that is enough. So, when you see me walking around with my three children and my belly leading the way, just know that any comment about my hands being full will be met with confidence that yes, my hands are busy, but surely it is my HEART that is full, and I am blessed and highly favored. So, without any more delay, it is my privilege to introduce to all of you, our daughter who, Lord willing, will join us Mid-February. Please join me in prayers that she will continue to grow and be well until I can hold her in my arms.

Our Strong Willed Beauty

So, for those of you who have talked to me, like EVER, about Lily, the following information probably won't surprise you. Nothing about Lily has ever really gone the way we planned. We weren't supposed to even think about having her until Connor was 2 years old, so when she emerged into the world 2 short months after Connor's FIRST birthday, we were NOT prepared, to say the least. We had all the material things we needed...crib, clothes, diapers, etc...but the mental part was not READY!!! The labor was hard, the pushing was LONG, there was infections that required antibiotics for her and bloodwork etc...nothing seemed to go easily for this child, but eventually, after HOURS of waiting, they placed the most BEAUTIFUL baby girl in my arms. She was already a diva, with a full head of BLONDE hair that was over an inch long and thick. She had blue eyes, that she decided to keep despite TJ, Connor, and I all having hazel eyes. She bucked the system straight out of the chute...she just HAD to be different...special...and she hasn't stopped yet. As a newborn, she landed herself in her crib in her own room after just a few short weeks in the bassinet. Not really because SHE couldn't get any rest...she slept beautifully. But, if you were in the same room with her, you couldn't sleep for all the grunting and groaning and sighing noises she would make as she slept. So we set her off on her own, independent path. She was not really a fussy baby, but she learned early how to get her way...or more appropriately, she TAUGHT us how to pay attention to her, and give her what she wanted. She grew more gorgeous everyday, with curly pigtails after just a month or two, and those gorgeous blues.... Then came her first birthday. She learned to walk in about 2 weeks. She went from cruising to walking unassisted with lightening speed. And this ability to move without help was her cue to take off into the wild world, unafraid and never slowing...She is highly intelligent (read manipulative). She had us trained from the start. We endured the normal stage of terrible tantrums. She started the terrible 2s around 15 months. haha! She learned the word NO and used it. When it became less effective, she picked up the word "NEVER!". She learned this word from a TV show with a bird who said Never in a British accent, so here was my not-quite 2 year old with blonde hair past her shoulders who would look at you, evil and smiling, and say "NEVAHH!!!" and people would laugh..hysterically...and honestly, I can't blame them. It was adorable, and hilarious...and endearing... Except....this was just one more method she used to defy our authority. We were locked in a constant and exhausting battle with this young child. We were always disciplining and yelling, and fighting for control over our little wild woman. She didn't listen....EVER. Life was very difficult when at any given moment, if something didn't go her way, without any warning, she would embark on wild, screaming tantrums that included screaming, crying, kicking, biting...anything she thought would work. This ruined things necessary to life, like play dates and grocery shopping. It all became impossible. We spent ALL of our energy just trying to survive her attitude and drama. Things even as simple as changing her diaper often left me in tears. If i had to take them to the doctor, or in public, most of the time i would end up having to leave early and would get them strapped in their car seats and I would cry in the drivers seat. Crying from exhaustion and embarrassment. I was a failure as a mother. This tiny child was stealing my life from me, and I had NO IDEA how to get it back. Fast forward to Lily at 2 and a half. She is the sassiest little girl I know. Don't get me wrong...she can be sweet and loving...but then in an instant, she transforms into this bossy, sassy being. She will scream and yell in a nasty tone of voice and then stomp her foot and put her hands on her hips, with her precious face scrunched up in an ugly scowl. It is awful. For a while, I wasn't sure what to do, and I was paralyzed with the not knowing...I did NOTHING. The problem grew from something she only did to me, or at home, to her thinking it was acceptable at church, or to any stranger who tried to assert authority over her. I got very embarrassed when I noticed her sassiness had "left the family" so to speak. Somehow it was ok when it was "just our little secret". But now, our sins had been laid bare to the public. We had a gorgeous little monster on our hands. I began to pray..fervently. I have now purchased 3 books on raising children....STRONG WILLED CHILDREN...I have begun to sneak into her room at night and hold her, to remind myself how much I love her...It is a hard way to go when you love your child...but after daily beatings, you can't really bring yourself to LIKE her very much. The guilt that comes with that duality is nearly unbearable. So I go into my sleeping child...and I lay hands on her and pray for God to help me. I pray "Lord, help me be the parent she NEEDS me to be, so she can be the person YOU MADE her to be" I quickly began to feel in my heart this idea....God made her with this strong will...stubbornness...for a reason. This helped, but there was no ANSWER to how to FIX her behavior. So I was left, drowning....But I had a direction...So I kept reading and praying. One day, she was being nasty, and I got down to her level, as I had done COUNTLESS times...and I started to yell at her...and then in my spirit came a question. "How do you expect HER not to yell, when YOU yell at her constantly?" Talk about a blow to your ego... So that day I began to change. I started to understand that she was doing what she SAW ME doing...and I knew, I had to stop yelling. I understood now that if I reacted to HER drama, with MORE drama...then I was just feeding the fire. So, through great pains, I have begun to force myself to speak calmly. I only yell for VOLUME as opposed to effect...and, Praise GOD...she has virtually stopped using her nasty tone of voice all together. She still cries and throws fits, but she doesn't speak in a nasty tone of voice. She doesn't talk nasty to me, or anyone. This is major progress. So I felt like I was getting somewhere. But..I still felt like I was in a struggle. Until last Sunday.... Our pastor was giving an excellent sermon entitled "get back". The basic gist of the sermon was that we all needed to GET BACK into our positions...into the place where GOD wanted us to be, and to then WAIT to do the job that God intended for us to do. If we get into our positions and wait....we will receive our Mantle (our protection from the Lord...his favor...) and then we will be able to move forward in the power of the Lord. The most significant portion of this sermon to me, was this statement "Change your perspective..." This is a simple statement. And when he said it, I thought "ok, well I have...I KNOW that God made her this way, and that I shouldn't BREAK the spirit he gave her...but that doesn't HELP me GOD. What do I DO?!?!" and very quickly, I heard, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10) and I understood INSTANTLY. See this child, this gorgeous, stubborn, manipulative, intelligent little being who had become such a burden to my heart, such a drain on my energy, and a source of pain, embarrassment and guilt; She is a GIFT from God. God gives us many things, but the responsibility of raising a CHILD...HIS child...is a great and powerful gift. But, it comes with massive responsibility...and huge consequences if not done properly. Part of my guilt has been how EASY it was to deal with Connor. He is so gentle and obedient, and easy to handle...so by comparison, I just didn't understand why I couldn't make her mind. I should be ABLE to control a small child right? But now, this word tells me, that sometimes....if we have done well with what God has already given us, God chooses to give us MORE...a GREATER responsibility. There is SOMETHING, a PURPOSE, that he has chosen for Lily, and it must be of GREAT importance to His plan for his Kingdom...and HE CHOSE ME. He saw something in ME that He knew he could trust the GREAT responsibility of raising this strong, vibrant, resilient little soul, so that she could learn what she needed to become the woman that God NEEDS her to be. He needs ME to teach her to be obedient...so that she will HEAR His call and be obedient to HIM when the time arises for her to carry out the plans He has for her. This word has changed my life. This tiny scripture brought the POWER of God to the knowledge that was already in my heart. God made Lily this way for a REASON. I may not understand that reason now, and may never understand it fully, but I have a new perspective now. For a long time, I have seen her as a burden, and now I feel like she is a blessing. I feel HONORED that God has chosen ME, that He thinks I am WORTHY to raise a child that is so important to Him. A child that is special, that was made EXACTLY the way she is, for a purpose. I no longer look at her and see a battle that can't be won, but rather a battle that MUST be FOUGHT with endurance, and patience, and must be WON. And I now feel like I CAN. I can WIN. I will need prayer and help and I will have days that I will NOT want to deal with her, but I now have HOPE that she will become the child of God I want her to be...and I will await the day when we are all rejoicing together over the Holy, Obedient, Righteous servant of the Lord that she will become. Lord, I am grateful!

The Plight of the Husbandless...

It has occurred to me recently that there is large group of my friends, and of course others out there in the world, who really don't understand the struggles of daily life as a Marine wife. So, without trying to sound like I am whining, I thought I would share one of MY biggest struggles. As a wife of a Marine, I am many things. I have to be and do EVERYTHING that needs to be done while my husband is away, which requires a certain amount of the "fix it" personality. I am stubborn, independent, resourceful...even when he is home, it is rare that I ask for help, even from him, unless it is something that I am physically incapable of doing (ie moving something heavy...or anything requiring a chainsaw because that is just scary...) For the most part, I just DO IT..I take care of the problems as they arise and I don't need much assistance at doing so. This mentality is VITAL to survival as a Marine's wife, but it also becomes an achilles heel at times. Let me explain why... So it becomes the inevitable time for deployment. Deployment creates multiple challenges....everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, will break down while your husband is gone. The car, the furnace, etc, etc...you name a big expensive item that can break, and it WILL do it while your husband is gone. We like to call this "the deployment curse." The most ironic part of the Deployment curse, is that even if they were HERE...it's not likely the men would be dealing with the problem. It would still be the wives at home with a DIY fix, or calling a professional. Truth. I love my husband, but his main priority is not to be a handyman when he is home. When my dear husband is at home, his priority is time with the family. Not cooking, cleaning, fixing, etc...he wants to play and watch movies etc. with me and the kids..to be present and involved. This makes him an awesome husband and father, but this is the crux of what causes me the most heartache when he is gone. When he is deployed...he creates a problem that no professional can fix. I can't call the handyman, the electrician, or the furnace repair man. There is no tow-truck for this problem, no product you can buy at the store to make it better. Life with 2 young children is difficult. Even with a husband who is home every evening, days get long, and you start to go crazy without much adult companionship and conversation. So even when he is not deployed, I still have to be careful to make time for myself to be ME, as in the not "mom" me. To do that, I often leave my awesome Daddy of a husband home with the kids and run errands by myself, or go to women's group from church, or something of the sort. That always works out great because it gives him time with the kids and gives me time to relax and be myself. So, when he is gone, it becomes increasingly more difficult to scrape out even a few minutes of time for yourself. It becomes a fight to get to the gym, to get groceries, buy clothes for yourself, or shoes. Every task can turn into a struggle as you get worn down from the long days without a break. On top of this problem is piled the even bigger problem : Loneliness. When the day is done, dinner is over, and the kids go to bed....you are left sitting in a quiet house...alone. As much as quiet is a lovely thing after a day full of toddler noise...it is also a sad companion. There is nobody to share your day with, nobody to share silly stories of what the kids did or said..and nobody to tell you stories that convince you that the outside world still exists! You sit and watch TV and become entirely too attached to the shows you watch because those characters become the only adults you hear from that day, or even that week. You go to bed at night..no good night hug or kiss, no cuddles and snuggles. It's just you. You realize that a week may go by and you don't get touched by anyone other than your children. And no matter how wonderful their love and affections are, it isn't the same. Within the embrace of your husband, or even a friend, there is a security....a strength that gets passed. It is a communication that tells you, "I am here with you, and everything will be ok." It is the simplest reminder that you are NOT alone. Of course I know that God is always with me (and my heart aches for those in my position who DON'T know Him and have this hope)but part of the reason he gives us husbands is to give us a physical, tangible example of his promises. His promise to be there for us, to love us and hold us, and never leave our sides. And when they are away...we are desperate for that other half of our souls to return. To fill the void. So, then we take the problems and combine them with the personality of a Marine wife...and the problem only gets worse. The only way to fix the problem of loneliness is to spend time with people. At first, this isn't a problem, as everybody bands together at the beginning of a deployment. Everybody is asking, 'what do you need?', and 'can I help?' But as time goes on, the needs and the loneliness don't end. But the offers for help dwindle. As an independent, self-sufficient, and admittedly (too) proud mother/wife/person, it is the HARDEST thing to ask for help. It is reasonable to ask for help from another wife who is in the same position. This way you can TRADE services. She needs help too, so if you trade services, then nobody feels like they are a burden. But when you can't find an arrangement like that, then you are left to ask your friends for help. You are left to ask your friends for help, REPEATEDLY, CONSTANTLY, PATHETICALLY...until you just can't stand it anymore. I am not GOOD at asking for help. That is not naturally in my make up, but I am REQUIRED by my circumstances to constantly ask the people I know if they could watch the kids, or help me fix the toilet, or if they know somebody who could fix my furnace etc... It leaves this independent wife feeling needy and pitiful...there are days I would rather stab myself in the eye than text a friend to see if we could come over. I spend time doing everything BUT addressing things that are broken in the house, because I HATE to have to call ANOTHER friend to ask for help AGAIN. It becomes bad enough that occasionally I text a friend and say "what are you up to today?" just to see what they are doing...and the reply I get is "Sorry, can't take the kids today, I am too busy" because that is the most common reason that my friends hear from me, and at this point, they can't imagine me NOT needing something from them. All of this comes to a point where I feel so needy that I just shut down. I stop calling, stop asking for help, because the one thing I dislike the most is being a BURDEN to anybody else. I start to depend on Church services for my social outings. Which in most case works as people are quick to give a hug on Sundays. To them, it means a simple hello, to you, it's the only adult contact you have had all week and it restores your soul. But the weeks that you miss church with a sick child, or for some other reason become some of your darkest days as one week turns into two. I start to tell myself that I can DO THIS by myself...I shouldn't NEED anybody else. If only I was reading my bible everyday and put in a routine in the house to keep everybody busy...then I would be happier. If I could find more time to crochet or sew, the things I enjoy, then I would be happier. But even though these things help to ease the burden, this doesn't take away the loneliness. God creates us as SOCIAL beings. He designed us to work TOGETHER to fill each other's needs, to have husbands that share half of our burdens. I wish I could say that I have found the resolution to the problem. This deployment we moved back "home" to be around our nearest and dearest friends, and closer to family. I am not, in any way, saying that this was not the right decision. I know that it was, and I am grateful to be here for more reasons that I can tell you, but the problem still exists. It is the same in some ways and different in others. It is easier here to ask for help, since I have been friends with people here so much longer. And yet being here has added a new facet to the burden. I knew, obviously, that life had changed since we left here almost 4 years ago, but it is hard to come home to the familiar and find it so different. The friendships you have are different. Those friends have created lives for themselves that don't include you in anyway more than phone calls to keep updated on life. I am so GLAD that these friends have busy lives full of things to do and people to see, but it is hard to feel like an outsider where you used to fit in. It is hard to find your new niche to fit back into your old life. And on top of that, I know that I will only be here for a few months. This begs to ask why anybody would sew into a friendship with me, when they know that they will lose most of that friendship within the year. So, I digress....I could go on for hours, so I will end this here. I hope that this didn't come across as a big whine-fest. I did not intend to make anyone feel bad or guilty, or responsible in any way for the way I have been feeling lately. I merely wanted to help you to understand the sacrifices we make as military families and Marine's wives. The benefits are great, but the burdens are heavy. I will end by saying, if you know a military wife, especially if her husband is deployed.....Offer her help, and mean it. Ask what needs fixed at her house and take your husband over to help with the big stuff. When you see her...give her a hug, squeeze her tight and tell her you love her. Take her kids, even if it's just for an hour. Invite her to come over...even if you are just sitting and watching TV, she doesn't need to be entertained, she just needs somebody to BE THERE. Ask her how she is doing, and don't take "fine" for an answer. Try not to say "I understand" unless you REALLY DO. Pray for her and then just give her your time. She just needs to NOT be alone.

is there such a thing as "ready" ?

So I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about before I sit down to blog. Today, that is not exactly the truth, rather I am sitting here because I need to sit and write out my whirling mind before it makes me go postal.
We are rapidly approaching the departure date for Daddy's second "vacation" to the Middle East. I spend a lot of time remembering our preparation for the last deployment, and I can say, it seems to feel EXACTLY the same. Days rush by so quickly, and I just stand here and think in my brain, "I should be more prepared for this, right?!" I have survived a deployment before and my "handle it" mentality keeps nagging at me saying, "Keri, WHY ARENT YOU READY?!?!" Does ready even EXIST?!?!
Please tell me what "ready" would even mean.... how can any wife be "ready" to say goodbye to her husband for months, not knowing how he will be when he returns, or even IF he returns...If that was the only question we asked here, the many possibilities are endless and all that is entailed in that tiny question could take us DAYS to ponder and try to figure out. If only that were it, but i find myself asking myself HUNDREDS of questions that are easily as weighted as that one... The hardest of these questions involve the kids and how they will cope without him, and how HE will cope without THEM. I am once again living my life trying to memorize every little moment. The way he holds my hand, and the way he looks that the children...the way Lily's eyes positively LIGHT UP when he is here, and the way Connor just can't quite help himself but to waylay him when he's not looking. The way a living room full of children and dog quietly watching TV turns into a frenzy of excitement at the sound of a motorcycle in the driveway followed by hugging and yelling and recounting of the days stories. Bedtimes full of whispering, giggling and prayers. Wrestle-time full of squealing and "haya"s, and the many horseback rides on Daddy's back. Neighborhood walks that end in Mommy or Daddy carrying/pushing Connor's bike back to the house because he got tired and joined Lily in the wagon..Beach days, trying to keep the kids from drowning as they run headlong into the waves with no fear what-so-ever.
That list is endless...and my heart aches for TJ. For the thought of all that he will miss while he's gone. The everyday things that mean the most, and the big things too...Lily will grow from a budding drama queen into (hopefully) a young lady. Connor might well be all grown up by the time he returns, he is already such a fine young gentleman. My greatest sorrows are for TJ and how it must hurt to be away from his kids for so long. I cant really even begin to imagine, nor do i want to.
After all this, comes my worries...the greatest of these is maneuvering the world of raising 2 toddlers without their Daddy. The last deployment was difficult in this manner, yet, in some ways i think easier, since Lily was too young to realize what was going on. This will certainly NOT be the truth this time. I am burdened already with how much she will long for her Daddy, her hero. I am not prepared for how to help her with that, when I know I will be feeling exactly the same way. I know Connor will be very sad as well. His Daddy is his favorite person, and he just wants to be with him, all the time, whatever he is doing...So the separation will take it's toll on TJ's little man.
So, tell me, how are you to prepare for this...what does "ready" even mean. The only answer I can come up with is to tell you that "ready" doesnt exist. The truth is that regardless of how difficult my days will be, I will have the easiest part of it all. I will be in MY home, with MY children, safe and sound where we can sleep in our beds and eat whatever we want. The children will have the more difficult task as they deal with something they can't possibly understand the way that I do. Duty and selflessness are hard concepts for children to grasp, but they are very real to me. TJ will have the hardest of it all. He will be away from his family and his home. he will sleep when and where there is time and space, he may be in danger more often than not, and he must eat what is available to them, which often times is an MRE, or local food that can be even scarier (although, TJ has never had a problem eating..) he will be missing out on watching his children grow. I have always said that i will not pity myself for this, because I know that I dont have the hard part. see...all this stress and hurt...the answer is simple. I just put one foot in front of the other, and I trust in God. I trust that GOD is in control, of EVERYTHING. And I just sit in that...i wrap myself in that peace on the nights when i think i might go crazy...and He is enough. He HAS to be...and He IS.

God's amazing push....

As I walk through this life and get a little older, I am beginning to recognize God's incredible ability to "push" me. I can see how God has adjusted and amended, tailored and tucked, added and subtracted things in my life to guide me, to PUSH me, towards the decisions that coordinate with His will. At this time in our lives, there is an expectation of great change. TJ is working up for his second deployment. He is also facing the board that decides whether he can stay in the Marine Corps, or whether he must choose another path. If he stays in, there will be decisions on where we will go next, some of which will not be in our control. We are seeking guidance from God on whether to expand our family again. In all this I feel God pushing me. I used to see the difficulties in my life as just simple difficulties. I would just feel frustrated that things were not as I wanted them to be. But now, I can see God in the difficulties. I can see God making a part of my life difficult, to help me to look for something else. I have begun to keep the attitude of 'If it is unsettling, or upsetting, then I should look for the lesson and not drown in the misery.'

My current struggle in life is feeling isolated. Over the last year and a half, I have progressively felt pushed aside and left out. I have begun to feel, even in places where I have "belonged" before, like an outsider...like a woman, yearning to be involved and immersed in life and friends, yet standing on the outside watching everyone have the life/friends/family that I want. And it's not really that I want what THEY have. But I want MY version. I want what I have always been accustomed to. I have never had any trouble finding friends and making family in the towns/places that we have lived. We have moved a lot, and yet I ALWAYS find at least ONE, solid, dependable friend. Someone that fills the gap, even just a little, on the many days and nights where TJ is not here. I usually find a "family" of friends that surrounds and supports not only me, but my little growing family. And yet, here, even though at one time I felt like things were progressing exactly this way.....now, I just sit and wonder what happened. I sit in my house with my children, and long for a friend to just come over and hang out. Not even DO anything or GO anywhere..just to BE. Of course I long for the friend who helps out at a moment's notice. I have several of those, just none who live here presently, and I wonder, at times if I will ever find that here. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

It has become apparent that this stage of my life is a PUSH. God is helping me, PUSHING me, to make a decision that I normally wouldn't make, by taking away the comfort of family and friends where I live. Since TJ returned from Afghanistan, there has been discussion of where we would live when he deployed again. TJ's vote has always been for me to move back to KY, and I have always felt that decision would be a cop-out. I felt that moving home for a deployment was an admission that I couldn't handle it. That I wasn't WOMAN enough to take care of my family, or something. I have always been the wife/mother who just TAKES CARE OF IT. This personality trait is part of how I can live the life of a military wife and not just keel over and die :) It is ingrained into my spirit to hold fast, sit tight, and God will see me through.

Now, I must admit that at some point, this resiliency turns into just plain stubbornness. I stop really listening to God as I get caught up in my desire to "do it myself". This is why God, in his amazing patience and love, chooses to PUSH me. Now, I know he has pushed and guided me before, but this time, God needed the strength of 1000 Semi-trucks pushing together, to break through my stubbornness. I was dead-set against this move. So, he has isolated me, he has slowly, but surely taken away each leg of the table of support that I built for myself. He has taken away family that lives close, friends that i had bonded with, a church that pushed me to grow, and even a personal drive that I had to keep myself healthy and in shape. He has slowly and methodically placed road blocks in all these areas of my life that have made them less and less effective, until I have been left with no other choice but to see the answer. HIS answer.

The tricky part is now to accept His answer. The answer that means that I am NOT strong enough, but HE is. And that I CAN'T make everything better, but He CAN. That I can NOT do it by myself, but WITH God, I CAN do ALL THINGS. That I CAN'T have the friendship and support that I seek HERE, but I CAN have it where HE wants me. WHEN he wants me, and HOW he wants me. It doesn't matter how many objections and worries that I have about this decision...HE will take care of them. He will take care of the how and the where and the why, and all those details that are a great burden in my heart will wash out as HE continues to PUSH me. to push me to TRUST in HIM.

God - I know it doesn't always seem like I'm listening. Forgive me for my stubbornness. I hear you. I will follow you. I pray you would just continue to guide me and keep your hand in ALL of the decisions that are to be made. Help me to continuously seek and trust in YOU. I can't do this without you. Thank you for loving me enough to push me, and for being patient enough to use a push that is mighty and tender all at the same time. I know that if it were not for your incredible love, I would be crushed by the weight of my days. You hold me up. I love you.

umm...hehe..another year has passed.

Ok, so here we go AGAIN. I just read my last post..."has it really been a year" haha! funny words, since yet another year has passed since my last visit. Life is crazy these days (so what's new)
Lily has turned 2, although she's been acting like the stereotypical 2 year old for months now. She is a lesson intelligence and patience. She is extremely intelligent, and manipulative in the lovely way that toddlers can be. She has discovered that she can ALWAYS get my attention by saying "i need a hug, or a kiss" or "i love you Mommy!" She uses this against me. And she almost always wins that battle (and i pray i will NEVER stop letting her win that game!) She is stubborn and willful. I truly believe that God has something very challenging and wonderful for her in the future, and he is raising her with a level of persistence that is stretching my patience. I guess God is growing BOTH of us in that manner. She has also begun to use manners. Now, saying that, I will say that she uses "no, thanks!" a lot, but usually in the nastiest tone of voice that you can imagine coming from a face as gorgeous as hers. it's positively hilarious and enchanting!
Connor is my little man. At 3 years and a couple months, he knows EVERYTHING. And what he doesn't know, he intends to find out NOW! This fills my day with stories that start with, "MOM, did you know.....?" and "Why" "what" "where" and you know the rest of that one. He gets really frustrated when i say "i don't know", and whether i truly don't know the answer (or just don't know what the heck he's talking about), or I'm trying to avoid answering a tough question in an effort to protect his little heart....he always says, "Will you PLEASE JUST TELL ME!?" He is such a wonderful little man. We have been focusing a lot lately on loving our sister. We are learning that LOVING her means NOT hitting/pushing/biting her....as well as remembering to take care to make sure she is happy. We do that by LISTENING to her, and sharing, and making sure that he does what it takes to take care of his baby sister. He is very good at this game, and has shown a heart full of generosity far past the age of 3.
Now with all this excitement, I have begun to ponder a lot on my position as MOTHER. Truly there are days when i feel that i am not cut out for this motherhood thing. Most of the time i feel like I'm just hanging on to the knot at the end of my rope while life takes us for a spin. But i feel it is so important to remember (as i read today on another blog) that Motherhood is a CALLING. Motherhood is what God WANTS from women. He wants us to devote our lives to supporting our husbands and families. There are days that i feel like what I'm doing is just treading water...that there is no significance to all the tiny little things i do everyday...the books i read, the toys i pick up (and pick up and pick up), the household chores, the cooking, the MILLIONS of questions that i answer (sometimes over and over and OVER!). But i have come to realize that the picture is SO MUCH BIGGER than what i can even imagine. Every little thing i do during the day is part of what is shaping the ENTIRE future of my children's lives. I am changing who they will be, how they will act, and the choices that they will make with each and every tiny little decision that I make. The weight of this would crush most women. This is where God comes in. I really don't know how anyone can parent a child and NOT believe in God. He is my ONLY hope of not irrevocably screwing my children up. I cannot do ANYTHING without his grace and mercy and guidance. Being a parent (especially of 2 intelligent and active toddlers) can be such a terrifying experience, but i know that i don't have to be afraid, because the God of the UNIVERSE (the UNIVERSE PEOPLE!!) is right here with me, and with THEM...and he will protect us. And what he doesn't protect us from, he will be there WITH us to see us THROUGH. This kind of peace is the ONLY reason I can continue to live the life i live, with these two BEAUTIFUL challenges that God has given me. These little challengers...that grow me, and amaze me, and stretch me, and teach me MORE about the kind of LOVE that God has for me, and wants FROM me.
Lord, let me honor them with my words and my actions. Teach me to show them YOUR kind of love and mercy so that they can live a life that knows the JOY and PEACE of a life spent with YOU.

has it REALLY been a year?!?!?!

ok. so apparently having a second child was the end of my blogging career?!?! ahha! well...a year has passed since my last post. Life is a whirlwind. Things are going to change quite a bit for our family in the next couple weeks. Daddy is headed across the ocean to defend our freedom. So Mommy has decided that keeping up with a blog will be a nice way to help keep some memories for daddy while he is away! So i will do my best to keep up a little better. OK..that's it for now. will try to get some pics up and such soon! love to you all!!