Right to fight?

I am scrolling around social media today and reading many articles as people are weighing in on the Duggar scandal. I am not surprised by all the people swooping around like vultures and rejoicing over the fall of a Christian man, or even those who are blaming the family in some way or another. I am not surprised by all the people who are saying that he should be punished and that Anna should leave him immediately. I have read many articles focusing on every detail and aspect that we have been told about, and speculation of what may have been said or done, but there seems to be one side missing.
     Certainly it is tragic to hear that a man who appeared to be an upstanding Christian has been involved in pornography and adultery. But, in today's world that is full of glorified sin, are we really surprised? We go around demanding the rights to be able to do whatever we want, or whatever we FEEL like, but we get our panties in a wad when we find out about this man? Certainly he was completely out of line to be preaching good family values while leading the life he was, but is it so impossible to think that even a good man could get swept up in the world? We all live in the same world, and are exposed to the same opportunities to sin, and even good Christian men are not immune to the temptations that swirl around us every day. In fact, I would venture to say that each person yelling hypocrite at Josh Duggar, has some sort of dirt in their closet too.
      See, we humans love to put it on a scale, and say that what this person did is worse than what I did, but truly there is no scale. Sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord, and we all need to get off our high horses. This is a case of a man who KNEW what was right, but CHOSE to do what FELT good, what he WANTED to do instead. Haven't we all done this? At the dinner table? At bedtime when you KNOW you have to get up early, and yet you choose to watch one more show? When it's easier to tell a little white lie than to be honest? when you broke something or screwed it up and it was easier to say nothing than to take responsibility? Certainly none of these seem as terrible as viewing pornography or having an affair on your wife, but each of these are sinful in their own ways: laziness, gluttony, pride, deceit. But yet we all want to think that our own sins are trivial in the light of the BIG ones, so that we don't have to feel bad or deal with our own skeletons.
    All of this is as expected in today's society, but there is one thing that has really thrown me for a loop. I would like to take a minute to talk about Anna. My heart breaks for this woman and what she is dealing with. But as I read all these opinions swirling around, I am appalled at the assumptions that are being made about her. First off, why would we think that being raised and taught how to be a mother and a wife would be detrimental to a girl? How in any way is this crippling? Just because her family has chosen to live out their faith in a radical way, that you may not agree with, does NOT mean that what they are doing is wrong or harmful. I think that the Duggar family is doing the right thing in instilling good morals and teaching the importance of family. Is it radical, yes! Is it wrong? I think not. There have been many times I have wondered what it would have been like to have been intentionally prepared for marriage and motherhood, and how it may have changed me as a wife and a mother. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood. I had a devoted mother who loved me and taught me to be a good person, but preparing for a Christian marriage goes well beyond being a good person. I was given an excellent education, and taught to be independent and all the things that people are suggesting would have been a better path for Anna, but my childhood was basically ambivalent when it came to religion or spirituality. Entering marriage, my expectations were ruled by what I saw in my own family and those around me, and I had no idea of what marriage was intended to be.
     See, here is where I think people get confused. We humans think that marriage is about happiness. But really, God intended marriage to make us Holy. He created woman to be a helpmate, a complement to the man, not just a cheerleader. He designed marriage to give us somebody who knew us well, and loved us enough to be the mirror, to help us to see ourselves, and our shortcomings, more clearly. Someone who could correct and rebuke from a place of love with the intention to refine each other's character in the direction of looking more like the holy God we serve. We are the ones who injected selfishness into the process to make marriage about feeding our OWN desire for happiness and peace, as opposed to letting its design achieve the goal our creator intended.
     So here is a young woman, Anna, who has been taught the REAL meaning and purpose of marriage. She has been taught about unconditional love from the Lord, and how to reach for that in her life. She has been taught about great forgiveness and mercy that was given to her by God, and has been set before her as a commandment to carry out on this Earth. And instead of marveling at the bravery and unconditional love she displays, we would rather tear her down. We would rather say she has been brainwashed by her parents, or that she is a puppet unable to make a choice of her own. That she is poor and destitute without her husband because her life hasn't prepared her for this. But I disagree! I think she is more prepared than most. She is a woman who is confident in her identity. An identity that is not rooted in who her parents are, or in her husband, but rather rooted in the creation and love of an Almighty God. She is a woman who can take refuge in knowing that God will protect and provide for her when her husband has gone astray. She is a woman who has a CHOICE. Unlike most women in today's society who would cut and run without a second glance, Anna has a choice. She has a choice to forgive and place her hope in the redeeming power of God. Certainly she could choose to leave, and has biblical grounds to do so, but what about her right to FIGHT? What ever happened to loving someone enough to forgive them? To want to help them get better? What ever happened to till death to us part? Nobody is telling Josh's parents to stop loving him, because that would be ludacris to stop loving your child because he watches porn or has an affair. But why is it acceptable to just throw away a spouse on the same grounds? The Bible clearly states that when a man and a woman marry they become one with each other. Is this not a closer relationship than a parent and a child? Yet society acts as if a spouse is a disposable item, easily replaced by the next person who we think will make us happy.
     Society is missing the point. Society wants to look at Anna and scoff at her for "taking blame" for her husband's mistakes, saying she has been duped and coerced to believe that this is in some way her fault. But maybe, just maybe, this strong woman of God is doing what her radical family has taught her, what God tells us to do in all situations. Maybe she is humbling herself. Maybe in the light of what her husband has done, instead of blaming and casting stones, maybe she is choosing, instead, to humble herself and look into her own heart for the sin that hides there. Because we all have it. And each of those small, seemingly insignificant sins cast tiny ripples of consequences that lead to dysfunction in our lives and our marriages. Maybe when she looks a Josh, she is now keenly aware of the massive cost of our sins, and instead of being angry at his sin, maybe she is broken for her own. Maybe instead of climbing on her high horse of "I didn't deserve this" she is instead saying "God, if there is sin in my heart, cleanse it, and where I fall short, please strengthen me." And society sees this as cowering, but I think this is the bravest thing a wife can do. When everybody says "run," instead, she lifts her chin and says, "I forgive." When the people say "you are crazy," instead she says, "I love you." When the world says, "it can't be fixed," she says, "I believe." See, her upbringing, that you say has crippled her, has given her something most of the world doesn't have. HOPE, beyond what can be seen. PEACE, beyond what can be understood. STRENGTH, beyond what we are capable of alone. Her faith in God, has given her a choice, and that choice gave her the right to fight.

Crying out to our Father...

It has been 8 months since I last wrote. Today is Father's Day, and as I sit and look at Facebook I see the out pouring of love and thanks to all the dads, husbands, etc. it's everywhere, and it's beautiful. Yet, for some of us, today is tough. I told you all months ago that God has been impressing on me to live life transparently, to share my hurts and hopes in an effort to encourage others with the lessons I am learning. But I am finding it harder and harder to share as I get farther down the road of struggle that I am facing. The last 8 months have been a roller coaster. Moments of great joy like the birth of our fourth child, Joanna, who came into the world in February and brought so many smiles and kisses with her. Hours spent at the ball field with kids learning to play a sport I love dearly, sharing the joys of first hits, and hard earned outs in the field. We've had visits from family and friends, and we had found a new home at Crossroads Church in Norfolk where we laid down deep roots quickly with people who earnestly seek to invest in one another's lives. The friendships and support I found there were a lifeline for me in the darkest time of my life, for which I am eternally grateful. These things were precious gifts from God himself as he has taught me that despite great pain and heartache, there is a joy that can be found when you remember to be grateful and stay focused on your blessings. But these months have also brought me my greatest pain and endless heart breaking questions unanswered. I have faced countless hours alone, contemplating the the real possibility of raising 4 children on my own. I have watched as my marriage has continued to crumble and been forced to make hard decisions, some of which I may never know were the right thing to do. I have held my children as they have struggled through confusion and heartache with the changes in their home and family. The plans and dreams I had made for my family and children have all faded away and turned into a future that looks like a massive void. I have cried and screamed, I have begged God both to fix things and to let me move on. I have given up a thousand times only to recommit myself to pray and wait some more. I have wept both WITH my children and FOR my children. I have let anger rage and begged for forgiveness. I don't know what the future holds for my family, and at this point, I can only speak for myself. The children and I have moved home to KY. Most people think we are just visiting because I can't quite come up with a good way to say that we are here without him. As we see people and the questions fly, I don't have graceful words to explain our broken hearts. Suffice it to say that on this Father's Day, we are crying out to our Heavenly Father for a miracle. For restoration of our family , for our Daddy who we love so much. We are holding out hope in a mighty God that He can make a way in the desert that our family can be made whole again. I believe there is nothing that can be done that is too far or too much to be forgiven by God, and with His help that we can walk out that forgiveness ourselves and it can be translated into a new way and a new hope for the future of our children and our marriage. So I move forward, praying and waiting, honoring my covenant to God and my husband. My intention remains to seek God and remain obedient to His call as best as I can, and ask forgiveness for the many times I fail. I intend to continue to love and train my children, and grow them up to love and respect the Lord, and to make sure they know how much they are loved, by God and by me. I will endeavor to walk this road with a heart bent on love and forgiveness in submission to the loving leadership of a God who I trust to provide for my needs. I am grateful to be home and surrounded by friends who have become family over the years. Friends who, despite the distance, have stood with me in prayer and support. I will need your friendship more than I would like to admit in the coming months, but mostly what I need is for all of you out there to join us in prayer. Not just for my family, but for all the families that are fatherless today for whatever reason. Pray that we can all remember that regardless of the condition of the father in your life, we are all Greatly loved by our Heavenly Father. He is a perfect father, who knows us fully, who loves us more than we can understand, and who will never leave us. So, if you are out there reading this. Know that you are deeply loved. You are forgiven. you are accepted. You are missed and wanted. I am sorry for every single moment that you have doubted any of these things. We are crying out to the Lord on your behalf (as are many of our friends and family). We are waiting expectantly for the day you come home to us.

Photo credit to the amazing Kim Olson in Norfolk, VA. I would gladly put you in contact with her. She is not only capable of taking beautiful pictures, she is herself beautiful inside and out and I am grateful to call her my friend.