Our Strong Willed Beauty

So, for those of you who have talked to me, like EVER, about Lily, the following information probably won't surprise you. Nothing about Lily has ever really gone the way we planned. We weren't supposed to even think about having her until Connor was 2 years old, so when she emerged into the world 2 short months after Connor's FIRST birthday, we were NOT prepared, to say the least. We had all the material things we needed...crib, clothes, diapers, etc...but the mental part was not READY!!! The labor was hard, the pushing was LONG, there was infections that required antibiotics for her and bloodwork etc...nothing seemed to go easily for this child, but eventually, after HOURS of waiting, they placed the most BEAUTIFUL baby girl in my arms. She was already a diva, with a full head of BLONDE hair that was over an inch long and thick. She had blue eyes, that she decided to keep despite TJ, Connor, and I all having hazel eyes. She bucked the system straight out of the chute...she just HAD to be different...special...and she hasn't stopped yet. As a newborn, she landed herself in her crib in her own room after just a few short weeks in the bassinet. Not really because SHE couldn't get any rest...she slept beautifully. But, if you were in the same room with her, you couldn't sleep for all the grunting and groaning and sighing noises she would make as she slept. So we set her off on her own, independent path. She was not really a fussy baby, but she learned early how to get her way...or more appropriately, she TAUGHT us how to pay attention to her, and give her what she wanted. She grew more gorgeous everyday, with curly pigtails after just a month or two, and those gorgeous blues.... Then came her first birthday. She learned to walk in about 2 weeks. She went from cruising to walking unassisted with lightening speed. And this ability to move without help was her cue to take off into the wild world, unafraid and never slowing...She is highly intelligent (read manipulative). She had us trained from the start. We endured the normal stage of terrible tantrums. She started the terrible 2s around 15 months. haha! She learned the word NO and used it. When it became less effective, she picked up the word "NEVER!". She learned this word from a TV show with a bird who said Never in a British accent, so here was my not-quite 2 year old with blonde hair past her shoulders who would look at you, evil and smiling, and say "NEVAHH!!!" and people would laugh..hysterically...and honestly, I can't blame them. It was adorable, and hilarious...and endearing... Except....this was just one more method she used to defy our authority. We were locked in a constant and exhausting battle with this young child. We were always disciplining and yelling, and fighting for control over our little wild woman. She didn't listen....EVER. Life was very difficult when at any given moment, if something didn't go her way, without any warning, she would embark on wild, screaming tantrums that included screaming, crying, kicking, biting...anything she thought would work. This ruined things necessary to life, like play dates and grocery shopping. It all became impossible. We spent ALL of our energy just trying to survive her attitude and drama. Things even as simple as changing her diaper often left me in tears. If i had to take them to the doctor, or in public, most of the time i would end up having to leave early and would get them strapped in their car seats and I would cry in the drivers seat. Crying from exhaustion and embarrassment. I was a failure as a mother. This tiny child was stealing my life from me, and I had NO IDEA how to get it back. Fast forward to Lily at 2 and a half. She is the sassiest little girl I know. Don't get me wrong...she can be sweet and loving...but then in an instant, she transforms into this bossy, sassy being. She will scream and yell in a nasty tone of voice and then stomp her foot and put her hands on her hips, with her precious face scrunched up in an ugly scowl. It is awful. For a while, I wasn't sure what to do, and I was paralyzed with the not knowing...I did NOTHING. The problem grew from something she only did to me, or at home, to her thinking it was acceptable at church, or to any stranger who tried to assert authority over her. I got very embarrassed when I noticed her sassiness had "left the family" so to speak. Somehow it was ok when it was "just our little secret". But now, our sins had been laid bare to the public. We had a gorgeous little monster on our hands. I began to pray..fervently. I have now purchased 3 books on raising children....STRONG WILLED CHILDREN...I have begun to sneak into her room at night and hold her, to remind myself how much I love her...It is a hard way to go when you love your child...but after daily beatings, you can't really bring yourself to LIKE her very much. The guilt that comes with that duality is nearly unbearable. So I go into my sleeping child...and I lay hands on her and pray for God to help me. I pray "Lord, help me be the parent she NEEDS me to be, so she can be the person YOU MADE her to be" I quickly began to feel in my heart this idea....God made her with this strong will...stubbornness...for a reason. This helped, but there was no ANSWER to how to FIX her behavior. So I was left, drowning....But I had a direction...So I kept reading and praying. One day, she was being nasty, and I got down to her level, as I had done COUNTLESS times...and I started to yell at her...and then in my spirit came a question. "How do you expect HER not to yell, when YOU yell at her constantly?" Talk about a blow to your ego... So that day I began to change. I started to understand that she was doing what she SAW ME doing...and I knew, I had to stop yelling. I understood now that if I reacted to HER drama, with MORE drama...then I was just feeding the fire. So, through great pains, I have begun to force myself to speak calmly. I only yell for VOLUME as opposed to effect...and, Praise GOD...she has virtually stopped using her nasty tone of voice all together. She still cries and throws fits, but she doesn't speak in a nasty tone of voice. She doesn't talk nasty to me, or anyone. This is major progress. So I felt like I was getting somewhere. But..I still felt like I was in a struggle. Until last Sunday.... Our pastor was giving an excellent sermon entitled "get back". The basic gist of the sermon was that we all needed to GET BACK into our positions...into the place where GOD wanted us to be, and to then WAIT to do the job that God intended for us to do. If we get into our positions and wait....we will receive our Mantle (our protection from the Lord...his favor...) and then we will be able to move forward in the power of the Lord. The most significant portion of this sermon to me, was this statement "Change your perspective..." This is a simple statement. And when he said it, I thought "ok, well I have...I KNOW that God made her this way, and that I shouldn't BREAK the spirit he gave her...but that doesn't HELP me GOD. What do I DO?!?!" and very quickly, I heard, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10) and I understood INSTANTLY. See this child, this gorgeous, stubborn, manipulative, intelligent little being who had become such a burden to my heart, such a drain on my energy, and a source of pain, embarrassment and guilt; She is a GIFT from God. God gives us many things, but the responsibility of raising a CHILD...HIS child...is a great and powerful gift. But, it comes with massive responsibility...and huge consequences if not done properly. Part of my guilt has been how EASY it was to deal with Connor. He is so gentle and obedient, and easy to handle...so by comparison, I just didn't understand why I couldn't make her mind. I should be ABLE to control a small child right? But now, this word tells me, that sometimes....if we have done well with what God has already given us, God chooses to give us MORE...a GREATER responsibility. There is SOMETHING, a PURPOSE, that he has chosen for Lily, and it must be of GREAT importance to His plan for his Kingdom...and HE CHOSE ME. He saw something in ME that He knew he could trust the GREAT responsibility of raising this strong, vibrant, resilient little soul, so that she could learn what she needed to become the woman that God NEEDS her to be. He needs ME to teach her to be obedient...so that she will HEAR His call and be obedient to HIM when the time arises for her to carry out the plans He has for her. This word has changed my life. This tiny scripture brought the POWER of God to the knowledge that was already in my heart. God made Lily this way for a REASON. I may not understand that reason now, and may never understand it fully, but I have a new perspective now. For a long time, I have seen her as a burden, and now I feel like she is a blessing. I feel HONORED that God has chosen ME, that He thinks I am WORTHY to raise a child that is so important to Him. A child that is special, that was made EXACTLY the way she is, for a purpose. I no longer look at her and see a battle that can't be won, but rather a battle that MUST be FOUGHT with endurance, and patience, and must be WON. And I now feel like I CAN. I can WIN. I will need prayer and help and I will have days that I will NOT want to deal with her, but I now have HOPE that she will become the child of God I want her to be...and I will await the day when we are all rejoicing together over the Holy, Obedient, Righteous servant of the Lord that she will become. Lord, I am grateful!