So I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about before I sit down to blog. Today, that is not exactly the truth, rather I am sitting here because I need to sit and write out my whirling mind before it makes me go postal.
We are rapidly approaching the departure date for Daddy's second "vacation" to the Middle East. I spend a lot of time remembering our preparation for the last deployment, and I can say, it seems to feel EXACTLY the same. Days rush by so quickly, and I just stand here and think in my brain, "I should be more prepared for this, right?!" I have survived a deployment before and my "handle it" mentality keeps nagging at me saying, "Keri, WHY ARENT YOU READY?!?!" Does ready even EXIST?!?!
Please tell me what "ready" would even mean.... how can any wife be "ready" to say goodbye to her husband for months, not knowing how he will be when he returns, or even IF he returns...If that was the only question we asked here, the many possibilities are endless and all that is entailed in that tiny question could take us DAYS to ponder and try to figure out. If only that were it, but i find myself asking myself HUNDREDS of questions that are easily as weighted as that one... The hardest of these questions involve the kids and how they will cope without him, and how HE will cope without THEM. I am once again living my life trying to memorize every little moment. The way he holds my hand, and the way he looks that the children...the way Lily's eyes positively LIGHT UP when he is here, and the way Connor just can't quite help himself but to waylay him when he's not looking. The way a living room full of children and dog quietly watching TV turns into a frenzy of excitement at the sound of a motorcycle in the driveway followed by hugging and yelling and recounting of the days stories. Bedtimes full of whispering, giggling and prayers. Wrestle-time full of squealing and "haya"s, and the many horseback rides on Daddy's back. Neighborhood walks that end in Mommy or Daddy carrying/pushing Connor's bike back to the house because he got tired and joined Lily in the wagon..Beach days, trying to keep the kids from drowning as they run headlong into the waves with no fear what-so-ever.
That list is endless...and my heart aches for TJ. For the thought of all that he will miss while he's gone. The everyday things that mean the most, and the big things too...Lily will grow from a budding drama queen into (hopefully) a young lady. Connor might well be all grown up by the time he returns, he is already such a fine young gentleman. My greatest sorrows are for TJ and how it must hurt to be away from his kids for so long. I cant really even begin to imagine, nor do i want to.
After all this, comes my worries...the greatest of these is maneuvering the world of raising 2 toddlers without their Daddy. The last deployment was difficult in this manner, yet, in some ways i think easier, since Lily was too young to realize what was going on. This will certainly NOT be the truth this time. I am burdened already with how much she will long for her Daddy, her hero. I am not prepared for how to help her with that, when I know I will be feeling exactly the same way. I know Connor will be very sad as well. His Daddy is his favorite person, and he just wants to be with him, all the time, whatever he is doing...So the separation will take it's toll on TJ's little man.
So, tell me, how are you to prepare for this...what does "ready" even mean. The only answer I can come up with is to tell you that "ready" doesnt exist. The truth is that regardless of how difficult my days will be, I will have the easiest part of it all. I will be in MY home, with MY children, safe and sound where we can sleep in our beds and eat whatever we want. The children will have the more difficult task as they deal with something they can't possibly understand the way that I do. Duty and selflessness are hard concepts for children to grasp, but they are very real to me. TJ will have the hardest of it all. He will be away from his family and his home. he will sleep when and where there is time and space, he may be in danger more often than not, and he must eat what is available to them, which often times is an MRE, or local food that can be even scarier (although, TJ has never had a problem eating..) he will be missing out on watching his children grow. I have always said that i will not pity myself for this, because I know that I dont have the hard part. see...all this stress and hurt...the answer is simple. I just put one foot in front of the other, and I trust in God. I trust that GOD is in control, of EVERYTHING. And I just sit in that...i wrap myself in that peace on the nights when i think i might go crazy...and He is enough. He HAS to be...and He IS.
