The Plight of the Husbandless...

It has occurred to me recently that there is large group of my friends, and of course others out there in the world, who really don't understand the struggles of daily life as a Marine wife. So, without trying to sound like I am whining, I thought I would share one of MY biggest struggles. As a wife of a Marine, I am many things. I have to be and do EVERYTHING that needs to be done while my husband is away, which requires a certain amount of the "fix it" personality. I am stubborn, independent, resourceful...even when he is home, it is rare that I ask for help, even from him, unless it is something that I am physically incapable of doing (ie moving something heavy...or anything requiring a chainsaw because that is just scary...) For the most part, I just DO IT..I take care of the problems as they arise and I don't need much assistance at doing so. This mentality is VITAL to survival as a Marine's wife, but it also becomes an achilles heel at times. Let me explain why... So it becomes the inevitable time for deployment. Deployment creates multiple challenges....everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, will break down while your husband is gone. The car, the furnace, etc, etc...you name a big expensive item that can break, and it WILL do it while your husband is gone. We like to call this "the deployment curse." The most ironic part of the Deployment curse, is that even if they were HERE...it's not likely the men would be dealing with the problem. It would still be the wives at home with a DIY fix, or calling a professional. Truth. I love my husband, but his main priority is not to be a handyman when he is home. When my dear husband is at home, his priority is time with the family. Not cooking, cleaning, fixing, etc...he wants to play and watch movies etc. with me and the kids..to be present and involved. This makes him an awesome husband and father, but this is the crux of what causes me the most heartache when he is gone. When he is deployed...he creates a problem that no professional can fix. I can't call the handyman, the electrician, or the furnace repair man. There is no tow-truck for this problem, no product you can buy at the store to make it better. Life with 2 young children is difficult. Even with a husband who is home every evening, days get long, and you start to go crazy without much adult companionship and conversation. So even when he is not deployed, I still have to be careful to make time for myself to be ME, as in the not "mom" me. To do that, I often leave my awesome Daddy of a husband home with the kids and run errands by myself, or go to women's group from church, or something of the sort. That always works out great because it gives him time with the kids and gives me time to relax and be myself. So, when he is gone, it becomes increasingly more difficult to scrape out even a few minutes of time for yourself. It becomes a fight to get to the gym, to get groceries, buy clothes for yourself, or shoes. Every task can turn into a struggle as you get worn down from the long days without a break. On top of this problem is piled the even bigger problem : Loneliness. When the day is done, dinner is over, and the kids go to bed....you are left sitting in a quiet house...alone. As much as quiet is a lovely thing after a day full of toddler noise...it is also a sad companion. There is nobody to share your day with, nobody to share silly stories of what the kids did or said..and nobody to tell you stories that convince you that the outside world still exists! You sit and watch TV and become entirely too attached to the shows you watch because those characters become the only adults you hear from that day, or even that week. You go to bed at night..no good night hug or kiss, no cuddles and snuggles. It's just you. You realize that a week may go by and you don't get touched by anyone other than your children. And no matter how wonderful their love and affections are, it isn't the same. Within the embrace of your husband, or even a friend, there is a security....a strength that gets passed. It is a communication that tells you, "I am here with you, and everything will be ok." It is the simplest reminder that you are NOT alone. Of course I know that God is always with me (and my heart aches for those in my position who DON'T know Him and have this hope)but part of the reason he gives us husbands is to give us a physical, tangible example of his promises. His promise to be there for us, to love us and hold us, and never leave our sides. And when they are away...we are desperate for that other half of our souls to return. To fill the void. So, then we take the problems and combine them with the personality of a Marine wife...and the problem only gets worse. The only way to fix the problem of loneliness is to spend time with people. At first, this isn't a problem, as everybody bands together at the beginning of a deployment. Everybody is asking, 'what do you need?', and 'can I help?' But as time goes on, the needs and the loneliness don't end. But the offers for help dwindle. As an independent, self-sufficient, and admittedly (too) proud mother/wife/person, it is the HARDEST thing to ask for help. It is reasonable to ask for help from another wife who is in the same position. This way you can TRADE services. She needs help too, so if you trade services, then nobody feels like they are a burden. But when you can't find an arrangement like that, then you are left to ask your friends for help. You are left to ask your friends for help, REPEATEDLY, CONSTANTLY, PATHETICALLY...until you just can't stand it anymore. I am not GOOD at asking for help. That is not naturally in my make up, but I am REQUIRED by my circumstances to constantly ask the people I know if they could watch the kids, or help me fix the toilet, or if they know somebody who could fix my furnace etc... It leaves this independent wife feeling needy and pitiful...there are days I would rather stab myself in the eye than text a friend to see if we could come over. I spend time doing everything BUT addressing things that are broken in the house, because I HATE to have to call ANOTHER friend to ask for help AGAIN. It becomes bad enough that occasionally I text a friend and say "what are you up to today?" just to see what they are doing...and the reply I get is "Sorry, can't take the kids today, I am too busy" because that is the most common reason that my friends hear from me, and at this point, they can't imagine me NOT needing something from them. All of this comes to a point where I feel so needy that I just shut down. I stop calling, stop asking for help, because the one thing I dislike the most is being a BURDEN to anybody else. I start to depend on Church services for my social outings. Which in most case works as people are quick to give a hug on Sundays. To them, it means a simple hello, to you, it's the only adult contact you have had all week and it restores your soul. But the weeks that you miss church with a sick child, or for some other reason become some of your darkest days as one week turns into two. I start to tell myself that I can DO THIS by myself...I shouldn't NEED anybody else. If only I was reading my bible everyday and put in a routine in the house to keep everybody busy...then I would be happier. If I could find more time to crochet or sew, the things I enjoy, then I would be happier. But even though these things help to ease the burden, this doesn't take away the loneliness. God creates us as SOCIAL beings. He designed us to work TOGETHER to fill each other's needs, to have husbands that share half of our burdens. I wish I could say that I have found the resolution to the problem. This deployment we moved back "home" to be around our nearest and dearest friends, and closer to family. I am not, in any way, saying that this was not the right decision. I know that it was, and I am grateful to be here for more reasons that I can tell you, but the problem still exists. It is the same in some ways and different in others. It is easier here to ask for help, since I have been friends with people here so much longer. And yet being here has added a new facet to the burden. I knew, obviously, that life had changed since we left here almost 4 years ago, but it is hard to come home to the familiar and find it so different. The friendships you have are different. Those friends have created lives for themselves that don't include you in anyway more than phone calls to keep updated on life. I am so GLAD that these friends have busy lives full of things to do and people to see, but it is hard to feel like an outsider where you used to fit in. It is hard to find your new niche to fit back into your old life. And on top of that, I know that I will only be here for a few months. This begs to ask why anybody would sew into a friendship with me, when they know that they will lose most of that friendship within the year. So, I digress....I could go on for hours, so I will end this here. I hope that this didn't come across as a big whine-fest. I did not intend to make anyone feel bad or guilty, or responsible in any way for the way I have been feeling lately. I merely wanted to help you to understand the sacrifices we make as military families and Marine's wives. The benefits are great, but the burdens are heavy. I will end by saying, if you know a military wife, especially if her husband is deployed.....Offer her help, and mean it. Ask what needs fixed at her house and take your husband over to help with the big stuff. When you see her...give her a hug, squeeze her tight and tell her you love her. Take her kids, even if it's just for an hour. Invite her to come over...even if you are just sitting and watching TV, she doesn't need to be entertained, she just needs somebody to BE THERE. Ask her how she is doing, and don't take "fine" for an answer. Try not to say "I understand" unless you REALLY DO. Pray for her and then just give her your time. She just needs to NOT be alone.