Crying out to our Father...

It has been 8 months since I last wrote. Today is Father's Day, and as I sit and look at Facebook I see the out pouring of love and thanks to all the dads, husbands, etc. it's everywhere, and it's beautiful. Yet, for some of us, today is tough. I told you all months ago that God has been impressing on me to live life transparently, to share my hurts and hopes in an effort to encourage others with the lessons I am learning. But I am finding it harder and harder to share as I get farther down the road of struggle that I am facing. The last 8 months have been a roller coaster. Moments of great joy like the birth of our fourth child, Joanna, who came into the world in February and brought so many smiles and kisses with her. Hours spent at the ball field with kids learning to play a sport I love dearly, sharing the joys of first hits, and hard earned outs in the field. We've had visits from family and friends, and we had found a new home at Crossroads Church in Norfolk where we laid down deep roots quickly with people who earnestly seek to invest in one another's lives. The friendships and support I found there were a lifeline for me in the darkest time of my life, for which I am eternally grateful. These things were precious gifts from God himself as he has taught me that despite great pain and heartache, there is a joy that can be found when you remember to be grateful and stay focused on your blessings. But these months have also brought me my greatest pain and endless heart breaking questions unanswered. I have faced countless hours alone, contemplating the the real possibility of raising 4 children on my own. I have watched as my marriage has continued to crumble and been forced to make hard decisions, some of which I may never know were the right thing to do. I have held my children as they have struggled through confusion and heartache with the changes in their home and family. The plans and dreams I had made for my family and children have all faded away and turned into a future that looks like a massive void. I have cried and screamed, I have begged God both to fix things and to let me move on. I have given up a thousand times only to recommit myself to pray and wait some more. I have wept both WITH my children and FOR my children. I have let anger rage and begged for forgiveness. I don't know what the future holds for my family, and at this point, I can only speak for myself. The children and I have moved home to KY. Most people think we are just visiting because I can't quite come up with a good way to say that we are here without him. As we see people and the questions fly, I don't have graceful words to explain our broken hearts. Suffice it to say that on this Father's Day, we are crying out to our Heavenly Father for a miracle. For restoration of our family , for our Daddy who we love so much. We are holding out hope in a mighty God that He can make a way in the desert that our family can be made whole again. I believe there is nothing that can be done that is too far or too much to be forgiven by God, and with His help that we can walk out that forgiveness ourselves and it can be translated into a new way and a new hope for the future of our children and our marriage. So I move forward, praying and waiting, honoring my covenant to God and my husband. My intention remains to seek God and remain obedient to His call as best as I can, and ask forgiveness for the many times I fail. I intend to continue to love and train my children, and grow them up to love and respect the Lord, and to make sure they know how much they are loved, by God and by me. I will endeavor to walk this road with a heart bent on love and forgiveness in submission to the loving leadership of a God who I trust to provide for my needs. I am grateful to be home and surrounded by friends who have become family over the years. Friends who, despite the distance, have stood with me in prayer and support. I will need your friendship more than I would like to admit in the coming months, but mostly what I need is for all of you out there to join us in prayer. Not just for my family, but for all the families that are fatherless today for whatever reason. Pray that we can all remember that regardless of the condition of the father in your life, we are all Greatly loved by our Heavenly Father. He is a perfect father, who knows us fully, who loves us more than we can understand, and who will never leave us. So, if you are out there reading this. Know that you are deeply loved. You are forgiven. you are accepted. You are missed and wanted. I am sorry for every single moment that you have doubted any of these things. We are crying out to the Lord on your behalf (as are many of our friends and family). We are waiting expectantly for the day you come home to us.

Photo credit to the amazing Kim Olson in Norfolk, VA. I would gladly put you in contact with her. She is not only capable of taking beautiful pictures, she is herself beautiful inside and out and I am grateful to call her my friend.