God's amazing push....

As I walk through this life and get a little older, I am beginning to recognize God's incredible ability to "push" me. I can see how God has adjusted and amended, tailored and tucked, added and subtracted things in my life to guide me, to PUSH me, towards the decisions that coordinate with His will. At this time in our lives, there is an expectation of great change. TJ is working up for his second deployment. He is also facing the board that decides whether he can stay in the Marine Corps, or whether he must choose another path. If he stays in, there will be decisions on where we will go next, some of which will not be in our control. We are seeking guidance from God on whether to expand our family again. In all this I feel God pushing me. I used to see the difficulties in my life as just simple difficulties. I would just feel frustrated that things were not as I wanted them to be. But now, I can see God in the difficulties. I can see God making a part of my life difficult, to help me to look for something else. I have begun to keep the attitude of 'If it is unsettling, or upsetting, then I should look for the lesson and not drown in the misery.'

My current struggle in life is feeling isolated. Over the last year and a half, I have progressively felt pushed aside and left out. I have begun to feel, even in places where I have "belonged" before, like an outsider...like a woman, yearning to be involved and immersed in life and friends, yet standing on the outside watching everyone have the life/friends/family that I want. And it's not really that I want what THEY have. But I want MY version. I want what I have always been accustomed to. I have never had any trouble finding friends and making family in the towns/places that we have lived. We have moved a lot, and yet I ALWAYS find at least ONE, solid, dependable friend. Someone that fills the gap, even just a little, on the many days and nights where TJ is not here. I usually find a "family" of friends that surrounds and supports not only me, but my little growing family. And yet, here, even though at one time I felt like things were progressing exactly this way.....now, I just sit and wonder what happened. I sit in my house with my children, and long for a friend to just come over and hang out. Not even DO anything or GO anywhere..just to BE. Of course I long for the friend who helps out at a moment's notice. I have several of those, just none who live here presently, and I wonder, at times if I will ever find that here. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

It has become apparent that this stage of my life is a PUSH. God is helping me, PUSHING me, to make a decision that I normally wouldn't make, by taking away the comfort of family and friends where I live. Since TJ returned from Afghanistan, there has been discussion of where we would live when he deployed again. TJ's vote has always been for me to move back to KY, and I have always felt that decision would be a cop-out. I felt that moving home for a deployment was an admission that I couldn't handle it. That I wasn't WOMAN enough to take care of my family, or something. I have always been the wife/mother who just TAKES CARE OF IT. This personality trait is part of how I can live the life of a military wife and not just keel over and die :) It is ingrained into my spirit to hold fast, sit tight, and God will see me through.

Now, I must admit that at some point, this resiliency turns into just plain stubbornness. I stop really listening to God as I get caught up in my desire to "do it myself". This is why God, in his amazing patience and love, chooses to PUSH me. Now, I know he has pushed and guided me before, but this time, God needed the strength of 1000 Semi-trucks pushing together, to break through my stubbornness. I was dead-set against this move. So, he has isolated me, he has slowly, but surely taken away each leg of the table of support that I built for myself. He has taken away family that lives close, friends that i had bonded with, a church that pushed me to grow, and even a personal drive that I had to keep myself healthy and in shape. He has slowly and methodically placed road blocks in all these areas of my life that have made them less and less effective, until I have been left with no other choice but to see the answer. HIS answer.

The tricky part is now to accept His answer. The answer that means that I am NOT strong enough, but HE is. And that I CAN'T make everything better, but He CAN. That I can NOT do it by myself, but WITH God, I CAN do ALL THINGS. That I CAN'T have the friendship and support that I seek HERE, but I CAN have it where HE wants me. WHEN he wants me, and HOW he wants me. It doesn't matter how many objections and worries that I have about this decision...HE will take care of them. He will take care of the how and the where and the why, and all those details that are a great burden in my heart will wash out as HE continues to PUSH me. to push me to TRUST in HIM.

God - I know it doesn't always seem like I'm listening. Forgive me for my stubbornness. I hear you. I will follow you. I pray you would just continue to guide me and keep your hand in ALL of the decisions that are to be made. Help me to continuously seek and trust in YOU. I can't do this without you. Thank you for loving me enough to push me, and for being patient enough to use a push that is mighty and tender all at the same time. I know that if it were not for your incredible love, I would be crushed by the weight of my days. You hold me up. I love you.