Well, a year has come and gone since we moved home to Kentucky. Seems like the days are so long but the weeks pass quickly. The children have all grown and seem to be making friends and settling in here. We have such a great support system here with our church family and friends, it is a blessing I will never take for granted. As anybody with children knows, life with small kids means living in an almost constant state of transition. Whether it is growth spurts, cutting teeth, potty training, starting school....there is just one transition, one milestone after another. You would think by the fourth kid I would have become accustomed to this and handle these changes with ease, but I am finding that the transition of my last baby has become a challenge I didn't expect. Joanna is now 16 months old, she walks and runs, and uses a lot of sign language. She isn't much of a talker, which is a first for the family as all the others have been quite advanced verbally, but apparently it's common for a fourth kid. Some thing about other people talking for her, although I am sure that NEVER happens around here........anyway, I wanted to take a moment a write a note to her....
My dearest girl,
We have had a rough week, I know. After weeks of work, and agonizing over the decision, I finally finished weaning you this week. My mama's heart knows that it was the best decision to make for both of us. To stop nursing means I will only have one diet to monitor and avoid the dairy that upsets your tummy so, and hopefully will help us both sleep better through the night. I know also that you are getting so big, no longer a baby, but now a toddler and ready to spread your wings, no longer needing to be tied down to your mama everywhere you go. I want you to know that I see the hurt in your eyes, the frustration and confusion there.....and I want you to know that I feel it too. I want you to know that my intent was never to hurt you, but to help you find your own feet.
See, since you were born, there have been so many things that I wanted to give to you, but couldn't. A big house, your own room, the idyllic family, a home that was peaceful and calm and stable. These were my dreams for you, and I found that none of them were in my control. I have agonized over the hurt and confusion this may have caused you and have prayed fervently for the Lord to protect your little heart from the chaos that has swirled around you. I wanted so badly to protect you, to be your safe place, and I have centered my life on doing just that. But, somewhere along the line I think I put our bond through breastfeeding at the head of my quest. I was willing to give you that safe place and to be the safe harbor, whenever you needed, wherever you needed. That is a decision I will never regret, I would do it all over again, but there was a point when I realized that I was placing that above almost all other things, caring for your siblings and even more often, over my own well being. The sleepless nights of nursing were compounded by the two year old sleep crazy and I was at my limit with exhaustion and sickness creeping in. I knew I had to start setting some boundaries. So I started the long and slow process of teaching you to sleep and weaning you slowly. Now, here we are, after 2 months of slowly removing one feeding at a time.....it has been 5 days since you nursed. I sort of decided that was your last feeding on a whim, and after the fact, because I couldn't bear the thought of "your last one". What was your last is probably also MY last time to put a baby to my breast, to be the provider of your needs in a way that no other person can.
I feel like I have broken a promise to you, but I am here to tell you this.....I may not offer my breast any more, but I promise to always be your safe harbor. I promise to be with you and to be the open arms to hold you when you need me. I promise to be your advocate, to fight for your safety and well being, for your health and wellness. I will push to give you a home that is warm, and peaceful so you will always know you belong here. I will dedicate myself to preparing you to face this world with courage and kindness. See, Joanna, I couldn't offer you a perfect family or a perfect home, but I DO have something to offer you that is better. What I have to share with you is a faith that has grown through struggle, a faith in a God who promises to be with us, to protect and guide us, to be a shelter in the storm. He promises that HE is working all things out for our good. My child, our Lord will provide for us, every thing we need, material and spiritual, He will be with us in the good and the bad. When I remember His promises, I realize that I don't have to be your safe harbor....I just need to let HIM be that safe harbor for you, for both of us, because where I am not capable, He IS. What I cannot provide, HE CAN. What I cannot heal, He WILL. He is making things new for us, a new path, filled with His blessings and provision. What more could we ever ask for?
So, my dear daughter, let's go forward together in a new way, trusting in the Lord, God almighty, Lord of Hosts. Let us press forward together and pursue Him and live in the peace and joy that His presence brings. I love you, my dear child......but He loves you more.
Mama
