Choosing Gratefulness

I sit to write today with a heavy heart, yet also with determination, and a desire to be real and transparent. The last year of my life has been the hardest. A little over a year ago my life began crumbling around me. Everything I believed I knew became untrue, and all that I thought I could trust in was destroyed slowly and systematically. It was like a ripple in a lake, starting in the center with waves rippling and spreading wider and wider, leaving such a wide path, covering so much space. See, it started with problems in my marriage. Small issues that have always been there piled up to make a volcano that erupted and spewed its ugly contents everywhere. I certainly hold my portion of blame as my own selfishness and carelessness added to the busyness of raising three small children and just living life itself, all of it undermining the foundation that we had built. I certainly wasn't unhappy, just indifferent maybe, yet the trouble came, none the less, with massive and far-reaching consequences...and for me, it came out of nowhere. Following the wake of the eruption came the downfall of my social support. As a military family, we rely heavily on our local friends and church family for support, yet as my world was falling apart, I was met with an awful truth about this world we live in. This truth is that when the chips are down, when you are a mess and you can't see over the mountain you face, there are VERY FEW people who will stand by you. The world has taught us to steer clear of other peoples' messes because they aren't our business, or because we have enough of our own trouble to deal with. So, when everything crumbled, I ran to my close friends and to my church BEGGING for help, for guidance, for ANYTHING. Unfortunately, the people I ran to were not able to stand with me. Unable, unwilling, or maybe unequipped, they had no answers and eventually chose, instead, to offer prayers and turn their backs on me and my family and left us to battle alone. To say that life was difficult is the understatement of the century, but let me tell you what I have learned. I learned that God is ENOUGH. God alone is my provider, protector, and lover of my soul. He never leaves. He cares about EVERY hurt and EVERY tear I have cried as I have fought for my marriage and my life. I realized I had made a massive mistake and placed my trust in my husband instead of my God. No matter how great of a man my husband is, he is human and vulnerable to the attacks of the devil, just like the rest of us. I also learned that God is ABLE. He makes beautiful things out of ashes. He can fill you with peace and joy in the midst of disaster. He has endless patience to share with you when yours is gone, and forgiveness to give to you when you don't think it's possible to forgive. He also LOVES. He loves, not in the way we know it here on Earth, but in a way that we sometimes don't understand. His love can feel overwhelming and sweet, but it can also feel painful as He lovingly strips away the sin and ugliness in our hearts. He has shown me that all of this trouble in my life, though it is painful and still not resolved, has meaning. It is not arbitrary. It is building my faith, teaching me to love well, showing me daily that if I will draw near to God, He will draw near to me and provide me with enough. Enough patience, love, forgiveness, strength - whatever it is I need in a day. He will give it to me because He loves me. All I have to do is continue to seek Him, study His word and apply myself to walking in obedience to His will and His word, and He will freely give me whatever I need. So, today, my heart may feel trampled, and I may be riddled with the bullet holes of hurt, betrayal, doubt, and loneliness. Yet, what I am is GRATEFUL. Grateful to have a Savior who loves me enough to spend time working on my heart. Thankful that, as my life fell apart, I had God to lean on, and His generosity, He also gave me a few friends who have chosen to stand with me, unwavering in their faith, offering prayers and encouragement on my darkest days. Mostly, I feel humbled. Because right in the middle of the darkest hour of my life, God chose to bless me in a way only He can do. As everything was being destroyed, God was creating a new life. He reached within my body and formed a tiny, perfect being, a beacon of hope and good things to come. I wish I could say that my first reaction was joy, but it wasn't. I have kept quiet for months out of fear. Fear that I will be left alone to raise four children. Fear that this sweet little girl will not know her father; will not know the big hearted, loving man who I know still exists somewhere in the craziness of all that has happened. As she has begun to grow over the last few months, my fear has turned into guilt for not being able to see this baby for what she is. A gift, right from the very hands of the same God that created the heavens and the Earth. So, it stops now. It stops today. I refuse to see this blessing as a burden any longer. God is the ONLY person who can create and give life and I will choose gratefulness. I will choose, no matter what, to let her little life be a reminder of hope in the midst of darkness. I will determine that EVERY time I feel fear or doubt, I will look into her eyes and I will see that I am LOVED by a mighty and powerful God, who, regardless of circumstance, has chosen to bless me. I will remember that, no matter what happens, I am HIS and that is enough. So, when you see me walking around with my three children and my belly leading the way, just know that any comment about my hands being full will be met with confidence that yes, my hands are busy, but surely it is my HEART that is full, and I am blessed and highly favored. So, without any more delay, it is my privilege to introduce to all of you, our daughter who, Lord willing, will join us Mid-February. Please join me in prayers that she will continue to grow and be well until I can hold her in my arms.