So I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about before I sit down to blog. Today, that is not exactly the truth, rather I am sitting here because I need to sit and write out my whirling mind before it makes me go postal.
We are rapidly approaching the departure date for Daddy's second "vacation" to the Middle East. I spend a lot of time remembering our preparation for the last deployment, and I can say, it seems to feel EXACTLY the same. Days rush by so quickly, and I just stand here and think in my brain, "I should be more prepared for this, right?!" I have survived a deployment before and my "handle it" mentality keeps nagging at me saying, "Keri, WHY ARENT YOU READY?!?!" Does ready even EXIST?!?!
Please tell me what "ready" would even mean.... how can any wife be "ready" to say goodbye to her husband for months, not knowing how he will be when he returns, or even IF he returns...If that was the only question we asked here, the many possibilities are endless and all that is entailed in that tiny question could take us DAYS to ponder and try to figure out. If only that were it, but i find myself asking myself HUNDREDS of questions that are easily as weighted as that one... The hardest of these questions involve the kids and how they will cope without him, and how HE will cope without THEM. I am once again living my life trying to memorize every little moment. The way he holds my hand, and the way he looks that the children...the way Lily's eyes positively LIGHT UP when he is here, and the way Connor just can't quite help himself but to waylay him when he's not looking. The way a living room full of children and dog quietly watching TV turns into a frenzy of excitement at the sound of a motorcycle in the driveway followed by hugging and yelling and recounting of the days stories. Bedtimes full of whispering, giggling and prayers. Wrestle-time full of squealing and "haya"s, and the many horseback rides on Daddy's back. Neighborhood walks that end in Mommy or Daddy carrying/pushing Connor's bike back to the house because he got tired and joined Lily in the wagon..Beach days, trying to keep the kids from drowning as they run headlong into the waves with no fear what-so-ever.
That list is endless...and my heart aches for TJ. For the thought of all that he will miss while he's gone. The everyday things that mean the most, and the big things too...Lily will grow from a budding drama queen into (hopefully) a young lady. Connor might well be all grown up by the time he returns, he is already such a fine young gentleman. My greatest sorrows are for TJ and how it must hurt to be away from his kids for so long. I cant really even begin to imagine, nor do i want to.
After all this, comes my worries...the greatest of these is maneuvering the world of raising 2 toddlers without their Daddy. The last deployment was difficult in this manner, yet, in some ways i think easier, since Lily was too young to realize what was going on. This will certainly NOT be the truth this time. I am burdened already with how much she will long for her Daddy, her hero. I am not prepared for how to help her with that, when I know I will be feeling exactly the same way. I know Connor will be very sad as well. His Daddy is his favorite person, and he just wants to be with him, all the time, whatever he is doing...So the separation will take it's toll on TJ's little man.
So, tell me, how are you to prepare for this...what does "ready" even mean. The only answer I can come up with is to tell you that "ready" doesnt exist. The truth is that regardless of how difficult my days will be, I will have the easiest part of it all. I will be in MY home, with MY children, safe and sound where we can sleep in our beds and eat whatever we want. The children will have the more difficult task as they deal with something they can't possibly understand the way that I do. Duty and selflessness are hard concepts for children to grasp, but they are very real to me. TJ will have the hardest of it all. He will be away from his family and his home. he will sleep when and where there is time and space, he may be in danger more often than not, and he must eat what is available to them, which often times is an MRE, or local food that can be even scarier (although, TJ has never had a problem eating..) he will be missing out on watching his children grow. I have always said that i will not pity myself for this, because I know that I dont have the hard part. see...all this stress and hurt...the answer is simple. I just put one foot in front of the other, and I trust in God. I trust that GOD is in control, of EVERYTHING. And I just sit in that...i wrap myself in that peace on the nights when i think i might go crazy...and He is enough. He HAS to be...and He IS.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
God's amazing push....
As I walk through this life and get a little older, I am beginning to recognize God's incredible ability to "push" me. I can see how God has adjusted and amended, tailored and tucked, added and subtracted things in my life to guide me, to PUSH me, towards the decisions that coordinate with His will. At this time in our lives, there is an expectation of great change. TJ is working up for his second deployment. He is also facing the board that decides whether he can stay in the Marine Corps, or whether he must choose another path. If he stays in, there will be decisions on where we will go next, some of which will not be in our control. We are seeking guidance from God on whether to expand our family again. In all this I feel God pushing me. I used to see the difficulties in my life as just simple difficulties. I would just feel frustrated that things were not as I wanted them to be. But now, I can see God in the difficulties. I can see God making a part of my life difficult, to help me to look for something else. I have begun to keep the attitude of 'If it is unsettling, or upsetting, then I should look for the lesson and not drown in the misery.'
My current struggle in life is feeling isolated. Over the last year and a half, I have progressively felt pushed aside and left out. I have begun to feel, even in places where I have "belonged" before, like an outsider...like a woman, yearning to be involved and immersed in life and friends, yet standing on the outside watching everyone have the life/friends/family that I want. And it's not really that I want what THEY have. But I want MY version. I want what I have always been accustomed to. I have never had any trouble finding friends and making family in the towns/places that we have lived. We have moved a lot, and yet I ALWAYS find at least ONE, solid, dependable friend. Someone that fills the gap, even just a little, on the many days and nights where TJ is not here. I usually find a "family" of friends that surrounds and supports not only me, but my little growing family. And yet, here, even though at one time I felt like things were progressing exactly this way.....now, I just sit and wonder what happened. I sit in my house with my children, and long for a friend to just come over and hang out. Not even DO anything or GO anywhere..just to BE. Of course I long for the friend who helps out at a moment's notice. I have several of those, just none who live here presently, and I wonder, at times if I will ever find that here. Which brings me to the point of this blog.
It has become apparent that this stage of my life is a PUSH. God is helping me, PUSHING me, to make a decision that I normally wouldn't make, by taking away the comfort of family and friends where I live. Since TJ returned from Afghanistan, there has been discussion of where we would live when he deployed again. TJ's vote has always been for me to move back to KY, and I have always felt that decision would be a cop-out. I felt that moving home for a deployment was an admission that I couldn't handle it. That I wasn't WOMAN enough to take care of my family, or something. I have always been the wife/mother who just TAKES CARE OF IT. This personality trait is part of how I can live the life of a military wife and not just keel over and die :) It is ingrained into my spirit to hold fast, sit tight, and God will see me through.
Now, I must admit that at some point, this resiliency turns into just plain stubbornness. I stop really listening to God as I get caught up in my desire to "do it myself". This is why God, in his amazing patience and love, chooses to PUSH me. Now, I know he has pushed and guided me before, but this time, God needed the strength of 1000 Semi-trucks pushing together, to break through my stubbornness. I was dead-set against this move. So, he has isolated me, he has slowly, but surely taken away each leg of the table of support that I built for myself. He has taken away family that lives close, friends that i had bonded with, a church that pushed me to grow, and even a personal drive that I had to keep myself healthy and in shape. He has slowly and methodically placed road blocks in all these areas of my life that have made them less and less effective, until I have been left with no other choice but to see the answer. HIS answer.
The tricky part is now to accept His answer. The answer that means that I am NOT strong enough, but HE is. And that I CAN'T make everything better, but He CAN. That I can NOT do it by myself, but WITH God, I CAN do ALL THINGS. That I CAN'T have the friendship and support that I seek HERE, but I CAN have it where HE wants me. WHEN he wants me, and HOW he wants me. It doesn't matter how many objections and worries that I have about this decision...HE will take care of them. He will take care of the how and the where and the why, and all those details that are a great burden in my heart will wash out as HE continues to PUSH me. to push me to TRUST in HIM.
God - I know it doesn't always seem like I'm listening. Forgive me for my stubbornness. I hear you. I will follow you. I pray you would just continue to guide me and keep your hand in ALL of the decisions that are to be made. Help me to continuously seek and trust in YOU. I can't do this without you. Thank you for loving me enough to push me, and for being patient enough to use a push that is mighty and tender all at the same time. I know that if it were not for your incredible love, I would be crushed by the weight of my days. You hold me up. I love you.
My current struggle in life is feeling isolated. Over the last year and a half, I have progressively felt pushed aside and left out. I have begun to feel, even in places where I have "belonged" before, like an outsider...like a woman, yearning to be involved and immersed in life and friends, yet standing on the outside watching everyone have the life/friends/family that I want. And it's not really that I want what THEY have. But I want MY version. I want what I have always been accustomed to. I have never had any trouble finding friends and making family in the towns/places that we have lived. We have moved a lot, and yet I ALWAYS find at least ONE, solid, dependable friend. Someone that fills the gap, even just a little, on the many days and nights where TJ is not here. I usually find a "family" of friends that surrounds and supports not only me, but my little growing family. And yet, here, even though at one time I felt like things were progressing exactly this way.....now, I just sit and wonder what happened. I sit in my house with my children, and long for a friend to just come over and hang out. Not even DO anything or GO anywhere..just to BE. Of course I long for the friend who helps out at a moment's notice. I have several of those, just none who live here presently, and I wonder, at times if I will ever find that here. Which brings me to the point of this blog.
It has become apparent that this stage of my life is a PUSH. God is helping me, PUSHING me, to make a decision that I normally wouldn't make, by taking away the comfort of family and friends where I live. Since TJ returned from Afghanistan, there has been discussion of where we would live when he deployed again. TJ's vote has always been for me to move back to KY, and I have always felt that decision would be a cop-out. I felt that moving home for a deployment was an admission that I couldn't handle it. That I wasn't WOMAN enough to take care of my family, or something. I have always been the wife/mother who just TAKES CARE OF IT. This personality trait is part of how I can live the life of a military wife and not just keel over and die :) It is ingrained into my spirit to hold fast, sit tight, and God will see me through.
Now, I must admit that at some point, this resiliency turns into just plain stubbornness. I stop really listening to God as I get caught up in my desire to "do it myself". This is why God, in his amazing patience and love, chooses to PUSH me. Now, I know he has pushed and guided me before, but this time, God needed the strength of 1000 Semi-trucks pushing together, to break through my stubbornness. I was dead-set against this move. So, he has isolated me, he has slowly, but surely taken away each leg of the table of support that I built for myself. He has taken away family that lives close, friends that i had bonded with, a church that pushed me to grow, and even a personal drive that I had to keep myself healthy and in shape. He has slowly and methodically placed road blocks in all these areas of my life that have made them less and less effective, until I have been left with no other choice but to see the answer. HIS answer.
The tricky part is now to accept His answer. The answer that means that I am NOT strong enough, but HE is. And that I CAN'T make everything better, but He CAN. That I can NOT do it by myself, but WITH God, I CAN do ALL THINGS. That I CAN'T have the friendship and support that I seek HERE, but I CAN have it where HE wants me. WHEN he wants me, and HOW he wants me. It doesn't matter how many objections and worries that I have about this decision...HE will take care of them. He will take care of the how and the where and the why, and all those details that are a great burden in my heart will wash out as HE continues to PUSH me. to push me to TRUST in HIM.
God - I know it doesn't always seem like I'm listening. Forgive me for my stubbornness. I hear you. I will follow you. I pray you would just continue to guide me and keep your hand in ALL of the decisions that are to be made. Help me to continuously seek and trust in YOU. I can't do this without you. Thank you for loving me enough to push me, and for being patient enough to use a push that is mighty and tender all at the same time. I know that if it were not for your incredible love, I would be crushed by the weight of my days. You hold me up. I love you.
Friday, July 15, 2011
umm...hehe..another year has passed.
Ok, so here we go AGAIN. I just read my last post..."has it really been a year" haha! funny words, since yet another year has passed since my last visit. Life is crazy these days (so what's new)
Lily has turned 2, although she's been acting like the stereotypical 2 year old for months now. She is a lesson intelligence and patience. She is extremely intelligent, and manipulative in the lovely way that toddlers can be. She has discovered that she can ALWAYS get my attention by saying "i need a hug, or a kiss" or "i love you Mommy!" She uses this against me. And she almost always wins that battle (and i pray i will NEVER stop letting her win that game!) She is stubborn and willful. I truly believe that God has something very challenging and wonderful for her in the future, and he is raising her with a level of persistence that is stretching my patience. I guess God is growing BOTH of us in that manner. She has also begun to use manners. Now, saying that, I will say that she uses "no, thanks!" a lot, but usually in the nastiest tone of voice that you can imagine coming from a face as gorgeous as hers. it's positively hilarious and enchanting!
Connor is my little man. At 3 years and a couple months, he knows EVERYTHING. And what he doesn't know, he intends to find out NOW! This fills my day with stories that start with, "MOM, did you know.....?" and "Why" "what" "where" and you know the rest of that one. He gets really frustrated when i say "i don't know", and whether i truly don't know the answer (or just don't know what the heck he's talking about), or I'm trying to avoid answering a tough question in an effort to protect his little heart....he always says, "Will you PLEASE JUST TELL ME!?" He is such a wonderful little man. We have been focusing a lot lately on loving our sister. We are learning that LOVING her means NOT hitting/pushing/biting her....as well as remembering to take care to make sure she is happy. We do that by LISTENING to her, and sharing, and making sure that he does what it takes to take care of his baby sister. He is very good at this game, and has shown a heart full of generosity far past the age of 3.
Now with all this excitement, I have begun to ponder a lot on my position as MOTHER. Truly there are days when i feel that i am not cut out for this motherhood thing. Most of the time i feel like I'm just hanging on to the knot at the end of my rope while life takes us for a spin. But i feel it is so important to remember (as i read today on another blog) that Motherhood is a CALLING. Motherhood is what God WANTS from women. He wants us to devote our lives to supporting our husbands and families. There are days that i feel like what I'm doing is just treading water...that there is no significance to all the tiny little things i do everyday...the books i read, the toys i pick up (and pick up and pick up), the household chores, the cooking, the MILLIONS of questions that i answer (sometimes over and over and OVER!). But i have come to realize that the picture is SO MUCH BIGGER than what i can even imagine. Every little thing i do during the day is part of what is shaping the ENTIRE future of my children's lives. I am changing who they will be, how they will act, and the choices that they will make with each and every tiny little decision that I make. The weight of this would crush most women. This is where God comes in. I really don't know how anyone can parent a child and NOT believe in God. He is my ONLY hope of not irrevocably screwing my children up. I cannot do ANYTHING without his grace and mercy and guidance. Being a parent (especially of 2 intelligent and active toddlers) can be such a terrifying experience, but i know that i don't have to be afraid, because the God of the UNIVERSE (the UNIVERSE PEOPLE!!) is right here with me, and with THEM...and he will protect us. And what he doesn't protect us from, he will be there WITH us to see us THROUGH. This kind of peace is the ONLY reason I can continue to live the life i live, with these two BEAUTIFUL challenges that God has given me. These little challengers...that grow me, and amaze me, and stretch me, and teach me MORE about the kind of LOVE that God has for me, and wants FROM me.
Lord, let me honor them with my words and my actions. Teach me to show them YOUR kind of love and mercy so that they can live a life that knows the JOY and PEACE of a life spent with YOU.
Lily has turned 2, although she's been acting like the stereotypical 2 year old for months now. She is a lesson intelligence and patience. She is extremely intelligent, and manipulative in the lovely way that toddlers can be. She has discovered that she can ALWAYS get my attention by saying "i need a hug, or a kiss" or "i love you Mommy!" She uses this against me. And she almost always wins that battle (and i pray i will NEVER stop letting her win that game!) She is stubborn and willful. I truly believe that God has something very challenging and wonderful for her in the future, and he is raising her with a level of persistence that is stretching my patience. I guess God is growing BOTH of us in that manner. She has also begun to use manners. Now, saying that, I will say that she uses "no, thanks!" a lot, but usually in the nastiest tone of voice that you can imagine coming from a face as gorgeous as hers. it's positively hilarious and enchanting!
Connor is my little man. At 3 years and a couple months, he knows EVERYTHING. And what he doesn't know, he intends to find out NOW! This fills my day with stories that start with, "MOM, did you know.....?" and "Why" "what" "where" and you know the rest of that one. He gets really frustrated when i say "i don't know", and whether i truly don't know the answer (or just don't know what the heck he's talking about), or I'm trying to avoid answering a tough question in an effort to protect his little heart....he always says, "Will you PLEASE JUST TELL ME!?" He is such a wonderful little man. We have been focusing a lot lately on loving our sister. We are learning that LOVING her means NOT hitting/pushing/biting her....as well as remembering to take care to make sure she is happy. We do that by LISTENING to her, and sharing, and making sure that he does what it takes to take care of his baby sister. He is very good at this game, and has shown a heart full of generosity far past the age of 3.
Now with all this excitement, I have begun to ponder a lot on my position as MOTHER. Truly there are days when i feel that i am not cut out for this motherhood thing. Most of the time i feel like I'm just hanging on to the knot at the end of my rope while life takes us for a spin. But i feel it is so important to remember (as i read today on another blog) that Motherhood is a CALLING. Motherhood is what God WANTS from women. He wants us to devote our lives to supporting our husbands and families. There are days that i feel like what I'm doing is just treading water...that there is no significance to all the tiny little things i do everyday...the books i read, the toys i pick up (and pick up and pick up), the household chores, the cooking, the MILLIONS of questions that i answer (sometimes over and over and OVER!). But i have come to realize that the picture is SO MUCH BIGGER than what i can even imagine. Every little thing i do during the day is part of what is shaping the ENTIRE future of my children's lives. I am changing who they will be, how they will act, and the choices that they will make with each and every tiny little decision that I make. The weight of this would crush most women. This is where God comes in. I really don't know how anyone can parent a child and NOT believe in God. He is my ONLY hope of not irrevocably screwing my children up. I cannot do ANYTHING without his grace and mercy and guidance. Being a parent (especially of 2 intelligent and active toddlers) can be such a terrifying experience, but i know that i don't have to be afraid, because the God of the UNIVERSE (the UNIVERSE PEOPLE!!) is right here with me, and with THEM...and he will protect us. And what he doesn't protect us from, he will be there WITH us to see us THROUGH. This kind of peace is the ONLY reason I can continue to live the life i live, with these two BEAUTIFUL challenges that God has given me. These little challengers...that grow me, and amaze me, and stretch me, and teach me MORE about the kind of LOVE that God has for me, and wants FROM me.
Lord, let me honor them with my words and my actions. Teach me to show them YOUR kind of love and mercy so that they can live a life that knows the JOY and PEACE of a life spent with YOU.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)