Our Strong Willed Beauty

So, for those of you who have talked to me, like EVER, about Lily, the following information probably won't surprise you. Nothing about Lily has ever really gone the way we planned. We weren't supposed to even think about having her until Connor was 2 years old, so when she emerged into the world 2 short months after Connor's FIRST birthday, we were NOT prepared, to say the least. We had all the material things we needed...crib, clothes, diapers, etc...but the mental part was not READY!!! The labor was hard, the pushing was LONG, there was infections that required antibiotics for her and bloodwork etc...nothing seemed to go easily for this child, but eventually, after HOURS of waiting, they placed the most BEAUTIFUL baby girl in my arms. She was already a diva, with a full head of BLONDE hair that was over an inch long and thick. She had blue eyes, that she decided to keep despite TJ, Connor, and I all having hazel eyes. She bucked the system straight out of the chute...she just HAD to be different...special...and she hasn't stopped yet. As a newborn, she landed herself in her crib in her own room after just a few short weeks in the bassinet. Not really because SHE couldn't get any rest...she slept beautifully. But, if you were in the same room with her, you couldn't sleep for all the grunting and groaning and sighing noises she would make as she slept. So we set her off on her own, independent path. She was not really a fussy baby, but she learned early how to get her way...or more appropriately, she TAUGHT us how to pay attention to her, and give her what she wanted. She grew more gorgeous everyday, with curly pigtails after just a month or two, and those gorgeous blues.... Then came her first birthday. She learned to walk in about 2 weeks. She went from cruising to walking unassisted with lightening speed. And this ability to move without help was her cue to take off into the wild world, unafraid and never slowing...She is highly intelligent (read manipulative). She had us trained from the start. We endured the normal stage of terrible tantrums. She started the terrible 2s around 15 months. haha! She learned the word NO and used it. When it became less effective, she picked up the word "NEVER!". She learned this word from a TV show with a bird who said Never in a British accent, so here was my not-quite 2 year old with blonde hair past her shoulders who would look at you, evil and smiling, and say "NEVAHH!!!" and people would laugh..hysterically...and honestly, I can't blame them. It was adorable, and hilarious...and endearing... Except....this was just one more method she used to defy our authority. We were locked in a constant and exhausting battle with this young child. We were always disciplining and yelling, and fighting for control over our little wild woman. She didn't listen....EVER. Life was very difficult when at any given moment, if something didn't go her way, without any warning, she would embark on wild, screaming tantrums that included screaming, crying, kicking, biting...anything she thought would work. This ruined things necessary to life, like play dates and grocery shopping. It all became impossible. We spent ALL of our energy just trying to survive her attitude and drama. Things even as simple as changing her diaper often left me in tears. If i had to take them to the doctor, or in public, most of the time i would end up having to leave early and would get them strapped in their car seats and I would cry in the drivers seat. Crying from exhaustion and embarrassment. I was a failure as a mother. This tiny child was stealing my life from me, and I had NO IDEA how to get it back. Fast forward to Lily at 2 and a half. She is the sassiest little girl I know. Don't get me wrong...she can be sweet and loving...but then in an instant, she transforms into this bossy, sassy being. She will scream and yell in a nasty tone of voice and then stomp her foot and put her hands on her hips, with her precious face scrunched up in an ugly scowl. It is awful. For a while, I wasn't sure what to do, and I was paralyzed with the not knowing...I did NOTHING. The problem grew from something she only did to me, or at home, to her thinking it was acceptable at church, or to any stranger who tried to assert authority over her. I got very embarrassed when I noticed her sassiness had "left the family" so to speak. Somehow it was ok when it was "just our little secret". But now, our sins had been laid bare to the public. We had a gorgeous little monster on our hands. I began to pray..fervently. I have now purchased 3 books on raising children....STRONG WILLED CHILDREN...I have begun to sneak into her room at night and hold her, to remind myself how much I love her...It is a hard way to go when you love your child...but after daily beatings, you can't really bring yourself to LIKE her very much. The guilt that comes with that duality is nearly unbearable. So I go into my sleeping child...and I lay hands on her and pray for God to help me. I pray "Lord, help me be the parent she NEEDS me to be, so she can be the person YOU MADE her to be" I quickly began to feel in my heart this idea....God made her with this strong will...stubbornness...for a reason. This helped, but there was no ANSWER to how to FIX her behavior. So I was left, drowning....But I had a direction...So I kept reading and praying. One day, she was being nasty, and I got down to her level, as I had done COUNTLESS times...and I started to yell at her...and then in my spirit came a question. "How do you expect HER not to yell, when YOU yell at her constantly?" Talk about a blow to your ego... So that day I began to change. I started to understand that she was doing what she SAW ME doing...and I knew, I had to stop yelling. I understood now that if I reacted to HER drama, with MORE drama...then I was just feeding the fire. So, through great pains, I have begun to force myself to speak calmly. I only yell for VOLUME as opposed to effect...and, Praise GOD...she has virtually stopped using her nasty tone of voice all together. She still cries and throws fits, but she doesn't speak in a nasty tone of voice. She doesn't talk nasty to me, or anyone. This is major progress. So I felt like I was getting somewhere. But..I still felt like I was in a struggle. Until last Sunday.... Our pastor was giving an excellent sermon entitled "get back". The basic gist of the sermon was that we all needed to GET BACK into our positions...into the place where GOD wanted us to be, and to then WAIT to do the job that God intended for us to do. If we get into our positions and wait....we will receive our Mantle (our protection from the Lord...his favor...) and then we will be able to move forward in the power of the Lord. The most significant portion of this sermon to me, was this statement "Change your perspective..." This is a simple statement. And when he said it, I thought "ok, well I have...I KNOW that God made her this way, and that I shouldn't BREAK the spirit he gave her...but that doesn't HELP me GOD. What do I DO?!?!" and very quickly, I heard, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10) and I understood INSTANTLY. See this child, this gorgeous, stubborn, manipulative, intelligent little being who had become such a burden to my heart, such a drain on my energy, and a source of pain, embarrassment and guilt; She is a GIFT from God. God gives us many things, but the responsibility of raising a CHILD...HIS child...is a great and powerful gift. But, it comes with massive responsibility...and huge consequences if not done properly. Part of my guilt has been how EASY it was to deal with Connor. He is so gentle and obedient, and easy to handle...so by comparison, I just didn't understand why I couldn't make her mind. I should be ABLE to control a small child right? But now, this word tells me, that sometimes....if we have done well with what God has already given us, God chooses to give us MORE...a GREATER responsibility. There is SOMETHING, a PURPOSE, that he has chosen for Lily, and it must be of GREAT importance to His plan for his Kingdom...and HE CHOSE ME. He saw something in ME that He knew he could trust the GREAT responsibility of raising this strong, vibrant, resilient little soul, so that she could learn what she needed to become the woman that God NEEDS her to be. He needs ME to teach her to be obedient...so that she will HEAR His call and be obedient to HIM when the time arises for her to carry out the plans He has for her. This word has changed my life. This tiny scripture brought the POWER of God to the knowledge that was already in my heart. God made Lily this way for a REASON. I may not understand that reason now, and may never understand it fully, but I have a new perspective now. For a long time, I have seen her as a burden, and now I feel like she is a blessing. I feel HONORED that God has chosen ME, that He thinks I am WORTHY to raise a child that is so important to Him. A child that is special, that was made EXACTLY the way she is, for a purpose. I no longer look at her and see a battle that can't be won, but rather a battle that MUST be FOUGHT with endurance, and patience, and must be WON. And I now feel like I CAN. I can WIN. I will need prayer and help and I will have days that I will NOT want to deal with her, but I now have HOPE that she will become the child of God I want her to be...and I will await the day when we are all rejoicing together over the Holy, Obedient, Righteous servant of the Lord that she will become. Lord, I am grateful!

The Plight of the Husbandless...

It has occurred to me recently that there is large group of my friends, and of course others out there in the world, who really don't understand the struggles of daily life as a Marine wife. So, without trying to sound like I am whining, I thought I would share one of MY biggest struggles. As a wife of a Marine, I am many things. I have to be and do EVERYTHING that needs to be done while my husband is away, which requires a certain amount of the "fix it" personality. I am stubborn, independent, resourceful...even when he is home, it is rare that I ask for help, even from him, unless it is something that I am physically incapable of doing (ie moving something heavy...or anything requiring a chainsaw because that is just scary...) For the most part, I just DO IT..I take care of the problems as they arise and I don't need much assistance at doing so. This mentality is VITAL to survival as a Marine's wife, but it also becomes an achilles heel at times. Let me explain why... So it becomes the inevitable time for deployment. Deployment creates multiple challenges....everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, will break down while your husband is gone. The car, the furnace, etc, etc...you name a big expensive item that can break, and it WILL do it while your husband is gone. We like to call this "the deployment curse." The most ironic part of the Deployment curse, is that even if they were HERE...it's not likely the men would be dealing with the problem. It would still be the wives at home with a DIY fix, or calling a professional. Truth. I love my husband, but his main priority is not to be a handyman when he is home. When my dear husband is at home, his priority is time with the family. Not cooking, cleaning, fixing, etc...he wants to play and watch movies etc. with me and the kids..to be present and involved. This makes him an awesome husband and father, but this is the crux of what causes me the most heartache when he is gone. When he is deployed...he creates a problem that no professional can fix. I can't call the handyman, the electrician, or the furnace repair man. There is no tow-truck for this problem, no product you can buy at the store to make it better. Life with 2 young children is difficult. Even with a husband who is home every evening, days get long, and you start to go crazy without much adult companionship and conversation. So even when he is not deployed, I still have to be careful to make time for myself to be ME, as in the not "mom" me. To do that, I often leave my awesome Daddy of a husband home with the kids and run errands by myself, or go to women's group from church, or something of the sort. That always works out great because it gives him time with the kids and gives me time to relax and be myself. So, when he is gone, it becomes increasingly more difficult to scrape out even a few minutes of time for yourself. It becomes a fight to get to the gym, to get groceries, buy clothes for yourself, or shoes. Every task can turn into a struggle as you get worn down from the long days without a break. On top of this problem is piled the even bigger problem : Loneliness. When the day is done, dinner is over, and the kids go to bed....you are left sitting in a quiet house...alone. As much as quiet is a lovely thing after a day full of toddler noise...it is also a sad companion. There is nobody to share your day with, nobody to share silly stories of what the kids did or said..and nobody to tell you stories that convince you that the outside world still exists! You sit and watch TV and become entirely too attached to the shows you watch because those characters become the only adults you hear from that day, or even that week. You go to bed at night..no good night hug or kiss, no cuddles and snuggles. It's just you. You realize that a week may go by and you don't get touched by anyone other than your children. And no matter how wonderful their love and affections are, it isn't the same. Within the embrace of your husband, or even a friend, there is a security....a strength that gets passed. It is a communication that tells you, "I am here with you, and everything will be ok." It is the simplest reminder that you are NOT alone. Of course I know that God is always with me (and my heart aches for those in my position who DON'T know Him and have this hope)but part of the reason he gives us husbands is to give us a physical, tangible example of his promises. His promise to be there for us, to love us and hold us, and never leave our sides. And when they are away...we are desperate for that other half of our souls to return. To fill the void. So, then we take the problems and combine them with the personality of a Marine wife...and the problem only gets worse. The only way to fix the problem of loneliness is to spend time with people. At first, this isn't a problem, as everybody bands together at the beginning of a deployment. Everybody is asking, 'what do you need?', and 'can I help?' But as time goes on, the needs and the loneliness don't end. But the offers for help dwindle. As an independent, self-sufficient, and admittedly (too) proud mother/wife/person, it is the HARDEST thing to ask for help. It is reasonable to ask for help from another wife who is in the same position. This way you can TRADE services. She needs help too, so if you trade services, then nobody feels like they are a burden. But when you can't find an arrangement like that, then you are left to ask your friends for help. You are left to ask your friends for help, REPEATEDLY, CONSTANTLY, PATHETICALLY...until you just can't stand it anymore. I am not GOOD at asking for help. That is not naturally in my make up, but I am REQUIRED by my circumstances to constantly ask the people I know if they could watch the kids, or help me fix the toilet, or if they know somebody who could fix my furnace etc... It leaves this independent wife feeling needy and pitiful...there are days I would rather stab myself in the eye than text a friend to see if we could come over. I spend time doing everything BUT addressing things that are broken in the house, because I HATE to have to call ANOTHER friend to ask for help AGAIN. It becomes bad enough that occasionally I text a friend and say "what are you up to today?" just to see what they are doing...and the reply I get is "Sorry, can't take the kids today, I am too busy" because that is the most common reason that my friends hear from me, and at this point, they can't imagine me NOT needing something from them. All of this comes to a point where I feel so needy that I just shut down. I stop calling, stop asking for help, because the one thing I dislike the most is being a BURDEN to anybody else. I start to depend on Church services for my social outings. Which in most case works as people are quick to give a hug on Sundays. To them, it means a simple hello, to you, it's the only adult contact you have had all week and it restores your soul. But the weeks that you miss church with a sick child, or for some other reason become some of your darkest days as one week turns into two. I start to tell myself that I can DO THIS by myself...I shouldn't NEED anybody else. If only I was reading my bible everyday and put in a routine in the house to keep everybody busy...then I would be happier. If I could find more time to crochet or sew, the things I enjoy, then I would be happier. But even though these things help to ease the burden, this doesn't take away the loneliness. God creates us as SOCIAL beings. He designed us to work TOGETHER to fill each other's needs, to have husbands that share half of our burdens. I wish I could say that I have found the resolution to the problem. This deployment we moved back "home" to be around our nearest and dearest friends, and closer to family. I am not, in any way, saying that this was not the right decision. I know that it was, and I am grateful to be here for more reasons that I can tell you, but the problem still exists. It is the same in some ways and different in others. It is easier here to ask for help, since I have been friends with people here so much longer. And yet being here has added a new facet to the burden. I knew, obviously, that life had changed since we left here almost 4 years ago, but it is hard to come home to the familiar and find it so different. The friendships you have are different. Those friends have created lives for themselves that don't include you in anyway more than phone calls to keep updated on life. I am so GLAD that these friends have busy lives full of things to do and people to see, but it is hard to feel like an outsider where you used to fit in. It is hard to find your new niche to fit back into your old life. And on top of that, I know that I will only be here for a few months. This begs to ask why anybody would sew into a friendship with me, when they know that they will lose most of that friendship within the year. So, I digress....I could go on for hours, so I will end this here. I hope that this didn't come across as a big whine-fest. I did not intend to make anyone feel bad or guilty, or responsible in any way for the way I have been feeling lately. I merely wanted to help you to understand the sacrifices we make as military families and Marine's wives. The benefits are great, but the burdens are heavy. I will end by saying, if you know a military wife, especially if her husband is deployed.....Offer her help, and mean it. Ask what needs fixed at her house and take your husband over to help with the big stuff. When you see her...give her a hug, squeeze her tight and tell her you love her. Take her kids, even if it's just for an hour. Invite her to come over...even if you are just sitting and watching TV, she doesn't need to be entertained, she just needs somebody to BE THERE. Ask her how she is doing, and don't take "fine" for an answer. Try not to say "I understand" unless you REALLY DO. Pray for her and then just give her your time. She just needs to NOT be alone.