Where are you Man of God?

I am looking for a man
Searching in the wilderness
for one that is Holy
A man made Holy by a choice
A chosen submission to an Almighty God

I need a man
Who sees not my breasts,
But sees the breast plate of righteousness
That covers them

I need a man
Who looks not at the curve of my waist,
But sees God's truth
As it encircles the center of my being.

I need a man
Who would choose not to look at my buttocks,
But remembers that I am God's daughter,
A Holy Priestess,
Seated at the throne of my father.

I need a man,
Who would not try to follow after my feet,
But would see my feet are shod with the Gospel of Peace,
Formed through obedience to God's word,
And run after that peace instead.

I need a man
Who trembles not at the touch of my lips,
But trembles with fear and reverence
To my Heavenly Father
Who loves that man more than I ever could

I need a man
Who values not my body,
But cherishes a heart and life
Fully surrendered,
Unto the innermost secret places

I need a man
Who judges not the weight of my frame
But sees that I have laid aside every thing
That entangles and hinders
So I can run freely into the arms of my Father

I need a man, is there one?
Who would see me
Straining at the weight of my shield of faith
and choose not to attack it with darts of temptation
But come along side, to lift up my arms
And share the burden there

I need a man, is there one left?
Who would not slay himself at the tip of my sword
But instead, see the strength that lies in the Truth
And join hands with me to battle
While the war rages on around us

The (W)eaning of Life

Well, a year has come and gone since we moved home to Kentucky. Seems like the days are so long but the weeks pass quickly. The children have all grown and seem to be making friends and settling in here. We have such a great support system here with our church family and friends, it is a blessing I will never take for granted. As anybody with children knows, life with small kids means living in an almost constant state of transition. Whether it is growth spurts, cutting teeth, potty training, starting school....there is just one transition, one milestone after another. You would think by the fourth kid I would have become accustomed to this and handle these changes with ease, but I am finding that the transition of my last baby has become a challenge I didn't expect. Joanna is now 16 months old, she walks and runs, and uses a lot of sign language. She isn't much of a talker, which is a first for the family as all the others have been quite advanced verbally, but apparently it's common for a fourth kid. Some thing about other people talking for her, although I am sure that NEVER happens around here........anyway, I wanted to take a moment a write a note to her....

 My dearest girl,
      We have had a rough week, I know. After weeks of work, and agonizing over the decision, I finally finished weaning you this week. My mama's heart knows that it was the best decision to make for both of us. To stop nursing means I will only have one diet to monitor and avoid the dairy that upsets your tummy so, and hopefully will help us both sleep better through the night. I know also that you are getting so big, no longer a baby, but now a toddler and ready to spread your wings, no longer needing to be tied down to your mama everywhere you go. I want you to know that I see the hurt in your eyes, the frustration and confusion there.....and I want you to know that I feel it too. I want you to know that my intent was never to hurt you, but to help you find your own feet.
     See, since you were born, there have been so many things that I wanted to give to you, but couldn't. A big house, your own room, the idyllic family, a home that was peaceful and calm and stable. These were my dreams for you, and I found that none of them were in my control. I have agonized over the hurt and confusion this may have caused you and have prayed fervently for the Lord to protect your little heart from the chaos that has swirled around you. I wanted so badly to protect you, to be your safe place, and I have centered my life on doing just that. But, somewhere along the line I think I put our bond through breastfeeding at the head of my quest. I was willing to give you that safe place and to be the safe harbor, whenever you needed, wherever you needed. That is a decision I will never regret, I would do it all over again, but there was a point when I realized that I was placing that above almost all other things, caring for your siblings and even more often, over my own well being. The sleepless nights of nursing were compounded by the two year old sleep crazy and I was at my limit with exhaustion and sickness creeping in. I knew I had to start setting some boundaries.  So I started the long and slow process of teaching you to sleep and weaning you slowly. Now, here we are, after 2 months of slowly removing one feeding at a time.....it has been 5 days since you nursed. I sort of decided that was your last feeding on a whim, and after the fact, because I couldn't bear the thought of "your last one". What was your last is probably also MY last time to put a baby to my breast, to be the provider of your needs in a way that no other person can.
      I feel like I have broken a promise to you, but I am here to tell you this.....I may not offer my breast any more, but I promise to always be your safe harbor. I promise to be with you and to be the open arms to hold you when you need me. I promise to be your advocate, to fight for your safety and well being, for your health and wellness. I will push to give you a home that is warm, and peaceful so you will always know you belong here. I will dedicate myself to preparing you to face this world with courage and kindness. See, Joanna, I couldn't offer you a perfect family or a perfect home, but I DO have something to offer you that is better. What I have to share with you is a faith that has grown through struggle, a faith in a God who promises to be with us, to protect and guide us, to be a shelter in the storm. He promises that HE is working all things out for our good. My child, our Lord will provide for us, every thing we need, material and spiritual, He will be with us in the good and the bad. When I remember His promises, I realize that I don't have to be your safe harbor....I just need to let HIM be that safe harbor for you, for both of us, because where I am not capable, He IS. What I cannot provide, HE CAN. What I cannot heal, He WILL. He is making things new for us, a new path, filled with His blessings and provision. What more could we ever ask for?

So, my dear daughter, let's go forward together in a new way, trusting in the Lord, God almighty, Lord of Hosts. Let us press forward together and pursue Him and live in the peace and joy that His presence brings. I love you, my dear child......but He loves you more. Mama

Right to fight?

I am scrolling around social media today and reading many articles as people are weighing in on the Duggar scandal. I am not surprised by all the people swooping around like vultures and rejoicing over the fall of a Christian man, or even those who are blaming the family in some way or another. I am not surprised by all the people who are saying that he should be punished and that Anna should leave him immediately. I have read many articles focusing on every detail and aspect that we have been told about, and speculation of what may have been said or done, but there seems to be one side missing.
     Certainly it is tragic to hear that a man who appeared to be an upstanding Christian has been involved in pornography and adultery. But, in today's world that is full of glorified sin, are we really surprised? We go around demanding the rights to be able to do whatever we want, or whatever we FEEL like, but we get our panties in a wad when we find out about this man? Certainly he was completely out of line to be preaching good family values while leading the life he was, but is it so impossible to think that even a good man could get swept up in the world? We all live in the same world, and are exposed to the same opportunities to sin, and even good Christian men are not immune to the temptations that swirl around us every day. In fact, I would venture to say that each person yelling hypocrite at Josh Duggar, has some sort of dirt in their closet too.
      See, we humans love to put it on a scale, and say that what this person did is worse than what I did, but truly there is no scale. Sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord, and we all need to get off our high horses. This is a case of a man who KNEW what was right, but CHOSE to do what FELT good, what he WANTED to do instead. Haven't we all done this? At the dinner table? At bedtime when you KNOW you have to get up early, and yet you choose to watch one more show? When it's easier to tell a little white lie than to be honest? when you broke something or screwed it up and it was easier to say nothing than to take responsibility? Certainly none of these seem as terrible as viewing pornography or having an affair on your wife, but each of these are sinful in their own ways: laziness, gluttony, pride, deceit. But yet we all want to think that our own sins are trivial in the light of the BIG ones, so that we don't have to feel bad or deal with our own skeletons.
    All of this is as expected in today's society, but there is one thing that has really thrown me for a loop. I would like to take a minute to talk about Anna. My heart breaks for this woman and what she is dealing with. But as I read all these opinions swirling around, I am appalled at the assumptions that are being made about her. First off, why would we think that being raised and taught how to be a mother and a wife would be detrimental to a girl? How in any way is this crippling? Just because her family has chosen to live out their faith in a radical way, that you may not agree with, does NOT mean that what they are doing is wrong or harmful. I think that the Duggar family is doing the right thing in instilling good morals and teaching the importance of family. Is it radical, yes! Is it wrong? I think not. There have been many times I have wondered what it would have been like to have been intentionally prepared for marriage and motherhood, and how it may have changed me as a wife and a mother. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood. I had a devoted mother who loved me and taught me to be a good person, but preparing for a Christian marriage goes well beyond being a good person. I was given an excellent education, and taught to be independent and all the things that people are suggesting would have been a better path for Anna, but my childhood was basically ambivalent when it came to religion or spirituality. Entering marriage, my expectations were ruled by what I saw in my own family and those around me, and I had no idea of what marriage was intended to be.
     See, here is where I think people get confused. We humans think that marriage is about happiness. But really, God intended marriage to make us Holy. He created woman to be a helpmate, a complement to the man, not just a cheerleader. He designed marriage to give us somebody who knew us well, and loved us enough to be the mirror, to help us to see ourselves, and our shortcomings, more clearly. Someone who could correct and rebuke from a place of love with the intention to refine each other's character in the direction of looking more like the holy God we serve. We are the ones who injected selfishness into the process to make marriage about feeding our OWN desire for happiness and peace, as opposed to letting its design achieve the goal our creator intended.
     So here is a young woman, Anna, who has been taught the REAL meaning and purpose of marriage. She has been taught about unconditional love from the Lord, and how to reach for that in her life. She has been taught about great forgiveness and mercy that was given to her by God, and has been set before her as a commandment to carry out on this Earth. And instead of marveling at the bravery and unconditional love she displays, we would rather tear her down. We would rather say she has been brainwashed by her parents, or that she is a puppet unable to make a choice of her own. That she is poor and destitute without her husband because her life hasn't prepared her for this. But I disagree! I think she is more prepared than most. She is a woman who is confident in her identity. An identity that is not rooted in who her parents are, or in her husband, but rather rooted in the creation and love of an Almighty God. She is a woman who can take refuge in knowing that God will protect and provide for her when her husband has gone astray. She is a woman who has a CHOICE. Unlike most women in today's society who would cut and run without a second glance, Anna has a choice. She has a choice to forgive and place her hope in the redeeming power of God. Certainly she could choose to leave, and has biblical grounds to do so, but what about her right to FIGHT? What ever happened to loving someone enough to forgive them? To want to help them get better? What ever happened to till death to us part? Nobody is telling Josh's parents to stop loving him, because that would be ludacris to stop loving your child because he watches porn or has an affair. But why is it acceptable to just throw away a spouse on the same grounds? The Bible clearly states that when a man and a woman marry they become one with each other. Is this not a closer relationship than a parent and a child? Yet society acts as if a spouse is a disposable item, easily replaced by the next person who we think will make us happy.
     Society is missing the point. Society wants to look at Anna and scoff at her for "taking blame" for her husband's mistakes, saying she has been duped and coerced to believe that this is in some way her fault. But maybe, just maybe, this strong woman of God is doing what her radical family has taught her, what God tells us to do in all situations. Maybe she is humbling herself. Maybe in the light of what her husband has done, instead of blaming and casting stones, maybe she is choosing, instead, to humble herself and look into her own heart for the sin that hides there. Because we all have it. And each of those small, seemingly insignificant sins cast tiny ripples of consequences that lead to dysfunction in our lives and our marriages. Maybe when she looks a Josh, she is now keenly aware of the massive cost of our sins, and instead of being angry at his sin, maybe she is broken for her own. Maybe instead of climbing on her high horse of "I didn't deserve this" she is instead saying "God, if there is sin in my heart, cleanse it, and where I fall short, please strengthen me." And society sees this as cowering, but I think this is the bravest thing a wife can do. When everybody says "run," instead, she lifts her chin and says, "I forgive." When the people say "you are crazy," instead she says, "I love you." When the world says, "it can't be fixed," she says, "I believe." See, her upbringing, that you say has crippled her, has given her something most of the world doesn't have. HOPE, beyond what can be seen. PEACE, beyond what can be understood. STRENGTH, beyond what we are capable of alone. Her faith in God, has given her a choice, and that choice gave her the right to fight.

Crying out to our Father...

It has been 8 months since I last wrote. Today is Father's Day, and as I sit and look at Facebook I see the out pouring of love and thanks to all the dads, husbands, etc. it's everywhere, and it's beautiful. Yet, for some of us, today is tough. I told you all months ago that God has been impressing on me to live life transparently, to share my hurts and hopes in an effort to encourage others with the lessons I am learning. But I am finding it harder and harder to share as I get farther down the road of struggle that I am facing. The last 8 months have been a roller coaster. Moments of great joy like the birth of our fourth child, Joanna, who came into the world in February and brought so many smiles and kisses with her. Hours spent at the ball field with kids learning to play a sport I love dearly, sharing the joys of first hits, and hard earned outs in the field. We've had visits from family and friends, and we had found a new home at Crossroads Church in Norfolk where we laid down deep roots quickly with people who earnestly seek to invest in one another's lives. The friendships and support I found there were a lifeline for me in the darkest time of my life, for which I am eternally grateful. These things were precious gifts from God himself as he has taught me that despite great pain and heartache, there is a joy that can be found when you remember to be grateful and stay focused on your blessings. But these months have also brought me my greatest pain and endless heart breaking questions unanswered. I have faced countless hours alone, contemplating the the real possibility of raising 4 children on my own. I have watched as my marriage has continued to crumble and been forced to make hard decisions, some of which I may never know were the right thing to do. I have held my children as they have struggled through confusion and heartache with the changes in their home and family. The plans and dreams I had made for my family and children have all faded away and turned into a future that looks like a massive void. I have cried and screamed, I have begged God both to fix things and to let me move on. I have given up a thousand times only to recommit myself to pray and wait some more. I have wept both WITH my children and FOR my children. I have let anger rage and begged for forgiveness. I don't know what the future holds for my family, and at this point, I can only speak for myself. The children and I have moved home to KY. Most people think we are just visiting because I can't quite come up with a good way to say that we are here without him. As we see people and the questions fly, I don't have graceful words to explain our broken hearts. Suffice it to say that on this Father's Day, we are crying out to our Heavenly Father for a miracle. For restoration of our family , for our Daddy who we love so much. We are holding out hope in a mighty God that He can make a way in the desert that our family can be made whole again. I believe there is nothing that can be done that is too far or too much to be forgiven by God, and with His help that we can walk out that forgiveness ourselves and it can be translated into a new way and a new hope for the future of our children and our marriage. So I move forward, praying and waiting, honoring my covenant to God and my husband. My intention remains to seek God and remain obedient to His call as best as I can, and ask forgiveness for the many times I fail. I intend to continue to love and train my children, and grow them up to love and respect the Lord, and to make sure they know how much they are loved, by God and by me. I will endeavor to walk this road with a heart bent on love and forgiveness in submission to the loving leadership of a God who I trust to provide for my needs. I am grateful to be home and surrounded by friends who have become family over the years. Friends who, despite the distance, have stood with me in prayer and support. I will need your friendship more than I would like to admit in the coming months, but mostly what I need is for all of you out there to join us in prayer. Not just for my family, but for all the families that are fatherless today for whatever reason. Pray that we can all remember that regardless of the condition of the father in your life, we are all Greatly loved by our Heavenly Father. He is a perfect father, who knows us fully, who loves us more than we can understand, and who will never leave us. So, if you are out there reading this. Know that you are deeply loved. You are forgiven. you are accepted. You are missed and wanted. I am sorry for every single moment that you have doubted any of these things. We are crying out to the Lord on your behalf (as are many of our friends and family). We are waiting expectantly for the day you come home to us.

Photo credit to the amazing Kim Olson in Norfolk, VA. I would gladly put you in contact with her. She is not only capable of taking beautiful pictures, she is herself beautiful inside and out and I am grateful to call her my friend.

Choosing Gratefulness

I sit to write today with a heavy heart, yet also with determination, and a desire to be real and transparent. The last year of my life has been the hardest. A little over a year ago my life began crumbling around me. Everything I believed I knew became untrue, and all that I thought I could trust in was destroyed slowly and systematically. It was like a ripple in a lake, starting in the center with waves rippling and spreading wider and wider, leaving such a wide path, covering so much space. See, it started with problems in my marriage. Small issues that have always been there piled up to make a volcano that erupted and spewed its ugly contents everywhere. I certainly hold my portion of blame as my own selfishness and carelessness added to the busyness of raising three small children and just living life itself, all of it undermining the foundation that we had built. I certainly wasn't unhappy, just indifferent maybe, yet the trouble came, none the less, with massive and far-reaching consequences...and for me, it came out of nowhere. Following the wake of the eruption came the downfall of my social support. As a military family, we rely heavily on our local friends and church family for support, yet as my world was falling apart, I was met with an awful truth about this world we live in. This truth is that when the chips are down, when you are a mess and you can't see over the mountain you face, there are VERY FEW people who will stand by you. The world has taught us to steer clear of other peoples' messes because they aren't our business, or because we have enough of our own trouble to deal with. So, when everything crumbled, I ran to my close friends and to my church BEGGING for help, for guidance, for ANYTHING. Unfortunately, the people I ran to were not able to stand with me. Unable, unwilling, or maybe unequipped, they had no answers and eventually chose, instead, to offer prayers and turn their backs on me and my family and left us to battle alone. To say that life was difficult is the understatement of the century, but let me tell you what I have learned. I learned that God is ENOUGH. God alone is my provider, protector, and lover of my soul. He never leaves. He cares about EVERY hurt and EVERY tear I have cried as I have fought for my marriage and my life. I realized I had made a massive mistake and placed my trust in my husband instead of my God. No matter how great of a man my husband is, he is human and vulnerable to the attacks of the devil, just like the rest of us. I also learned that God is ABLE. He makes beautiful things out of ashes. He can fill you with peace and joy in the midst of disaster. He has endless patience to share with you when yours is gone, and forgiveness to give to you when you don't think it's possible to forgive. He also LOVES. He loves, not in the way we know it here on Earth, but in a way that we sometimes don't understand. His love can feel overwhelming and sweet, but it can also feel painful as He lovingly strips away the sin and ugliness in our hearts. He has shown me that all of this trouble in my life, though it is painful and still not resolved, has meaning. It is not arbitrary. It is building my faith, teaching me to love well, showing me daily that if I will draw near to God, He will draw near to me and provide me with enough. Enough patience, love, forgiveness, strength - whatever it is I need in a day. He will give it to me because He loves me. All I have to do is continue to seek Him, study His word and apply myself to walking in obedience to His will and His word, and He will freely give me whatever I need. So, today, my heart may feel trampled, and I may be riddled with the bullet holes of hurt, betrayal, doubt, and loneliness. Yet, what I am is GRATEFUL. Grateful to have a Savior who loves me enough to spend time working on my heart. Thankful that, as my life fell apart, I had God to lean on, and His generosity, He also gave me a few friends who have chosen to stand with me, unwavering in their faith, offering prayers and encouragement on my darkest days. Mostly, I feel humbled. Because right in the middle of the darkest hour of my life, God chose to bless me in a way only He can do. As everything was being destroyed, God was creating a new life. He reached within my body and formed a tiny, perfect being, a beacon of hope and good things to come. I wish I could say that my first reaction was joy, but it wasn't. I have kept quiet for months out of fear. Fear that I will be left alone to raise four children. Fear that this sweet little girl will not know her father; will not know the big hearted, loving man who I know still exists somewhere in the craziness of all that has happened. As she has begun to grow over the last few months, my fear has turned into guilt for not being able to see this baby for what she is. A gift, right from the very hands of the same God that created the heavens and the Earth. So, it stops now. It stops today. I refuse to see this blessing as a burden any longer. God is the ONLY person who can create and give life and I will choose gratefulness. I will choose, no matter what, to let her little life be a reminder of hope in the midst of darkness. I will determine that EVERY time I feel fear or doubt, I will look into her eyes and I will see that I am LOVED by a mighty and powerful God, who, regardless of circumstance, has chosen to bless me. I will remember that, no matter what happens, I am HIS and that is enough. So, when you see me walking around with my three children and my belly leading the way, just know that any comment about my hands being full will be met with confidence that yes, my hands are busy, but surely it is my HEART that is full, and I am blessed and highly favored. So, without any more delay, it is my privilege to introduce to all of you, our daughter who, Lord willing, will join us Mid-February. Please join me in prayers that she will continue to grow and be well until I can hold her in my arms.

Our Strong Willed Beauty

So, for those of you who have talked to me, like EVER, about Lily, the following information probably won't surprise you. Nothing about Lily has ever really gone the way we planned. We weren't supposed to even think about having her until Connor was 2 years old, so when she emerged into the world 2 short months after Connor's FIRST birthday, we were NOT prepared, to say the least. We had all the material things we needed...crib, clothes, diapers, etc...but the mental part was not READY!!! The labor was hard, the pushing was LONG, there was infections that required antibiotics for her and bloodwork etc...nothing seemed to go easily for this child, but eventually, after HOURS of waiting, they placed the most BEAUTIFUL baby girl in my arms. She was already a diva, with a full head of BLONDE hair that was over an inch long and thick. She had blue eyes, that she decided to keep despite TJ, Connor, and I all having hazel eyes. She bucked the system straight out of the chute...she just HAD to be different...special...and she hasn't stopped yet. As a newborn, she landed herself in her crib in her own room after just a few short weeks in the bassinet. Not really because SHE couldn't get any rest...she slept beautifully. But, if you were in the same room with her, you couldn't sleep for all the grunting and groaning and sighing noises she would make as she slept. So we set her off on her own, independent path. She was not really a fussy baby, but she learned early how to get her way...or more appropriately, she TAUGHT us how to pay attention to her, and give her what she wanted. She grew more gorgeous everyday, with curly pigtails after just a month or two, and those gorgeous blues.... Then came her first birthday. She learned to walk in about 2 weeks. She went from cruising to walking unassisted with lightening speed. And this ability to move without help was her cue to take off into the wild world, unafraid and never slowing...She is highly intelligent (read manipulative). She had us trained from the start. We endured the normal stage of terrible tantrums. She started the terrible 2s around 15 months. haha! She learned the word NO and used it. When it became less effective, she picked up the word "NEVER!". She learned this word from a TV show with a bird who said Never in a British accent, so here was my not-quite 2 year old with blonde hair past her shoulders who would look at you, evil and smiling, and say "NEVAHH!!!" and people would laugh..hysterically...and honestly, I can't blame them. It was adorable, and hilarious...and endearing... Except....this was just one more method she used to defy our authority. We were locked in a constant and exhausting battle with this young child. We were always disciplining and yelling, and fighting for control over our little wild woman. She didn't listen....EVER. Life was very difficult when at any given moment, if something didn't go her way, without any warning, she would embark on wild, screaming tantrums that included screaming, crying, kicking, biting...anything she thought would work. This ruined things necessary to life, like play dates and grocery shopping. It all became impossible. We spent ALL of our energy just trying to survive her attitude and drama. Things even as simple as changing her diaper often left me in tears. If i had to take them to the doctor, or in public, most of the time i would end up having to leave early and would get them strapped in their car seats and I would cry in the drivers seat. Crying from exhaustion and embarrassment. I was a failure as a mother. This tiny child was stealing my life from me, and I had NO IDEA how to get it back. Fast forward to Lily at 2 and a half. She is the sassiest little girl I know. Don't get me wrong...she can be sweet and loving...but then in an instant, she transforms into this bossy, sassy being. She will scream and yell in a nasty tone of voice and then stomp her foot and put her hands on her hips, with her precious face scrunched up in an ugly scowl. It is awful. For a while, I wasn't sure what to do, and I was paralyzed with the not knowing...I did NOTHING. The problem grew from something she only did to me, or at home, to her thinking it was acceptable at church, or to any stranger who tried to assert authority over her. I got very embarrassed when I noticed her sassiness had "left the family" so to speak. Somehow it was ok when it was "just our little secret". But now, our sins had been laid bare to the public. We had a gorgeous little monster on our hands. I began to pray..fervently. I have now purchased 3 books on raising children....STRONG WILLED CHILDREN...I have begun to sneak into her room at night and hold her, to remind myself how much I love her...It is a hard way to go when you love your child...but after daily beatings, you can't really bring yourself to LIKE her very much. The guilt that comes with that duality is nearly unbearable. So I go into my sleeping child...and I lay hands on her and pray for God to help me. I pray "Lord, help me be the parent she NEEDS me to be, so she can be the person YOU MADE her to be" I quickly began to feel in my heart this idea....God made her with this strong will...stubbornness...for a reason. This helped, but there was no ANSWER to how to FIX her behavior. So I was left, drowning....But I had a direction...So I kept reading and praying. One day, she was being nasty, and I got down to her level, as I had done COUNTLESS times...and I started to yell at her...and then in my spirit came a question. "How do you expect HER not to yell, when YOU yell at her constantly?" Talk about a blow to your ego... So that day I began to change. I started to understand that she was doing what she SAW ME doing...and I knew, I had to stop yelling. I understood now that if I reacted to HER drama, with MORE drama...then I was just feeding the fire. So, through great pains, I have begun to force myself to speak calmly. I only yell for VOLUME as opposed to effect...and, Praise GOD...she has virtually stopped using her nasty tone of voice all together. She still cries and throws fits, but she doesn't speak in a nasty tone of voice. She doesn't talk nasty to me, or anyone. This is major progress. So I felt like I was getting somewhere. But..I still felt like I was in a struggle. Until last Sunday.... Our pastor was giving an excellent sermon entitled "get back". The basic gist of the sermon was that we all needed to GET BACK into our positions...into the place where GOD wanted us to be, and to then WAIT to do the job that God intended for us to do. If we get into our positions and wait....we will receive our Mantle (our protection from the Lord...his favor...) and then we will be able to move forward in the power of the Lord. The most significant portion of this sermon to me, was this statement "Change your perspective..." This is a simple statement. And when he said it, I thought "ok, well I have...I KNOW that God made her this way, and that I shouldn't BREAK the spirit he gave her...but that doesn't HELP me GOD. What do I DO?!?!" and very quickly, I heard, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10) and I understood INSTANTLY. See this child, this gorgeous, stubborn, manipulative, intelligent little being who had become such a burden to my heart, such a drain on my energy, and a source of pain, embarrassment and guilt; She is a GIFT from God. God gives us many things, but the responsibility of raising a CHILD...HIS child...is a great and powerful gift. But, it comes with massive responsibility...and huge consequences if not done properly. Part of my guilt has been how EASY it was to deal with Connor. He is so gentle and obedient, and easy to handle...so by comparison, I just didn't understand why I couldn't make her mind. I should be ABLE to control a small child right? But now, this word tells me, that sometimes....if we have done well with what God has already given us, God chooses to give us MORE...a GREATER responsibility. There is SOMETHING, a PURPOSE, that he has chosen for Lily, and it must be of GREAT importance to His plan for his Kingdom...and HE CHOSE ME. He saw something in ME that He knew he could trust the GREAT responsibility of raising this strong, vibrant, resilient little soul, so that she could learn what she needed to become the woman that God NEEDS her to be. He needs ME to teach her to be obedient...so that she will HEAR His call and be obedient to HIM when the time arises for her to carry out the plans He has for her. This word has changed my life. This tiny scripture brought the POWER of God to the knowledge that was already in my heart. God made Lily this way for a REASON. I may not understand that reason now, and may never understand it fully, but I have a new perspective now. For a long time, I have seen her as a burden, and now I feel like she is a blessing. I feel HONORED that God has chosen ME, that He thinks I am WORTHY to raise a child that is so important to Him. A child that is special, that was made EXACTLY the way she is, for a purpose. I no longer look at her and see a battle that can't be won, but rather a battle that MUST be FOUGHT with endurance, and patience, and must be WON. And I now feel like I CAN. I can WIN. I will need prayer and help and I will have days that I will NOT want to deal with her, but I now have HOPE that she will become the child of God I want her to be...and I will await the day when we are all rejoicing together over the Holy, Obedient, Righteous servant of the Lord that she will become. Lord, I am grateful!

The Plight of the Husbandless...

It has occurred to me recently that there is large group of my friends, and of course others out there in the world, who really don't understand the struggles of daily life as a Marine wife. So, without trying to sound like I am whining, I thought I would share one of MY biggest struggles. As a wife of a Marine, I am many things. I have to be and do EVERYTHING that needs to be done while my husband is away, which requires a certain amount of the "fix it" personality. I am stubborn, independent, resourceful...even when he is home, it is rare that I ask for help, even from him, unless it is something that I am physically incapable of doing (ie moving something heavy...or anything requiring a chainsaw because that is just scary...) For the most part, I just DO IT..I take care of the problems as they arise and I don't need much assistance at doing so. This mentality is VITAL to survival as a Marine's wife, but it also becomes an achilles heel at times. Let me explain why... So it becomes the inevitable time for deployment. Deployment creates multiple challenges....everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, will break down while your husband is gone. The car, the furnace, etc, etc...you name a big expensive item that can break, and it WILL do it while your husband is gone. We like to call this "the deployment curse." The most ironic part of the Deployment curse, is that even if they were HERE...it's not likely the men would be dealing with the problem. It would still be the wives at home with a DIY fix, or calling a professional. Truth. I love my husband, but his main priority is not to be a handyman when he is home. When my dear husband is at home, his priority is time with the family. Not cooking, cleaning, fixing, etc...he wants to play and watch movies etc. with me and the kids..to be present and involved. This makes him an awesome husband and father, but this is the crux of what causes me the most heartache when he is gone. When he is deployed...he creates a problem that no professional can fix. I can't call the handyman, the electrician, or the furnace repair man. There is no tow-truck for this problem, no product you can buy at the store to make it better. Life with 2 young children is difficult. Even with a husband who is home every evening, days get long, and you start to go crazy without much adult companionship and conversation. So even when he is not deployed, I still have to be careful to make time for myself to be ME, as in the not "mom" me. To do that, I often leave my awesome Daddy of a husband home with the kids and run errands by myself, or go to women's group from church, or something of the sort. That always works out great because it gives him time with the kids and gives me time to relax and be myself. So, when he is gone, it becomes increasingly more difficult to scrape out even a few minutes of time for yourself. It becomes a fight to get to the gym, to get groceries, buy clothes for yourself, or shoes. Every task can turn into a struggle as you get worn down from the long days without a break. On top of this problem is piled the even bigger problem : Loneliness. When the day is done, dinner is over, and the kids go to bed....you are left sitting in a quiet house...alone. As much as quiet is a lovely thing after a day full of toddler noise...it is also a sad companion. There is nobody to share your day with, nobody to share silly stories of what the kids did or said..and nobody to tell you stories that convince you that the outside world still exists! You sit and watch TV and become entirely too attached to the shows you watch because those characters become the only adults you hear from that day, or even that week. You go to bed at night..no good night hug or kiss, no cuddles and snuggles. It's just you. You realize that a week may go by and you don't get touched by anyone other than your children. And no matter how wonderful their love and affections are, it isn't the same. Within the embrace of your husband, or even a friend, there is a security....a strength that gets passed. It is a communication that tells you, "I am here with you, and everything will be ok." It is the simplest reminder that you are NOT alone. Of course I know that God is always with me (and my heart aches for those in my position who DON'T know Him and have this hope)but part of the reason he gives us husbands is to give us a physical, tangible example of his promises. His promise to be there for us, to love us and hold us, and never leave our sides. And when they are away...we are desperate for that other half of our souls to return. To fill the void. So, then we take the problems and combine them with the personality of a Marine wife...and the problem only gets worse. The only way to fix the problem of loneliness is to spend time with people. At first, this isn't a problem, as everybody bands together at the beginning of a deployment. Everybody is asking, 'what do you need?', and 'can I help?' But as time goes on, the needs and the loneliness don't end. But the offers for help dwindle. As an independent, self-sufficient, and admittedly (too) proud mother/wife/person, it is the HARDEST thing to ask for help. It is reasonable to ask for help from another wife who is in the same position. This way you can TRADE services. She needs help too, so if you trade services, then nobody feels like they are a burden. But when you can't find an arrangement like that, then you are left to ask your friends for help. You are left to ask your friends for help, REPEATEDLY, CONSTANTLY, PATHETICALLY...until you just can't stand it anymore. I am not GOOD at asking for help. That is not naturally in my make up, but I am REQUIRED by my circumstances to constantly ask the people I know if they could watch the kids, or help me fix the toilet, or if they know somebody who could fix my furnace etc... It leaves this independent wife feeling needy and pitiful...there are days I would rather stab myself in the eye than text a friend to see if we could come over. I spend time doing everything BUT addressing things that are broken in the house, because I HATE to have to call ANOTHER friend to ask for help AGAIN. It becomes bad enough that occasionally I text a friend and say "what are you up to today?" just to see what they are doing...and the reply I get is "Sorry, can't take the kids today, I am too busy" because that is the most common reason that my friends hear from me, and at this point, they can't imagine me NOT needing something from them. All of this comes to a point where I feel so needy that I just shut down. I stop calling, stop asking for help, because the one thing I dislike the most is being a BURDEN to anybody else. I start to depend on Church services for my social outings. Which in most case works as people are quick to give a hug on Sundays. To them, it means a simple hello, to you, it's the only adult contact you have had all week and it restores your soul. But the weeks that you miss church with a sick child, or for some other reason become some of your darkest days as one week turns into two. I start to tell myself that I can DO THIS by myself...I shouldn't NEED anybody else. If only I was reading my bible everyday and put in a routine in the house to keep everybody busy...then I would be happier. If I could find more time to crochet or sew, the things I enjoy, then I would be happier. But even though these things help to ease the burden, this doesn't take away the loneliness. God creates us as SOCIAL beings. He designed us to work TOGETHER to fill each other's needs, to have husbands that share half of our burdens. I wish I could say that I have found the resolution to the problem. This deployment we moved back "home" to be around our nearest and dearest friends, and closer to family. I am not, in any way, saying that this was not the right decision. I know that it was, and I am grateful to be here for more reasons that I can tell you, but the problem still exists. It is the same in some ways and different in others. It is easier here to ask for help, since I have been friends with people here so much longer. And yet being here has added a new facet to the burden. I knew, obviously, that life had changed since we left here almost 4 years ago, but it is hard to come home to the familiar and find it so different. The friendships you have are different. Those friends have created lives for themselves that don't include you in anyway more than phone calls to keep updated on life. I am so GLAD that these friends have busy lives full of things to do and people to see, but it is hard to feel like an outsider where you used to fit in. It is hard to find your new niche to fit back into your old life. And on top of that, I know that I will only be here for a few months. This begs to ask why anybody would sew into a friendship with me, when they know that they will lose most of that friendship within the year. So, I digress....I could go on for hours, so I will end this here. I hope that this didn't come across as a big whine-fest. I did not intend to make anyone feel bad or guilty, or responsible in any way for the way I have been feeling lately. I merely wanted to help you to understand the sacrifices we make as military families and Marine's wives. The benefits are great, but the burdens are heavy. I will end by saying, if you know a military wife, especially if her husband is deployed.....Offer her help, and mean it. Ask what needs fixed at her house and take your husband over to help with the big stuff. When you see her...give her a hug, squeeze her tight and tell her you love her. Take her kids, even if it's just for an hour. Invite her to come over...even if you are just sitting and watching TV, she doesn't need to be entertained, she just needs somebody to BE THERE. Ask her how she is doing, and don't take "fine" for an answer. Try not to say "I understand" unless you REALLY DO. Pray for her and then just give her your time. She just needs to NOT be alone.